- by Chris Perras

At an 11am riot on Sunday, May 6 at Mario Camposeco Stadium, a closely-contested soccer game broke out between Comunicaciones of Guatemala City and the Xelajú Superchivos. “I don’t know what happened,” remarked a particularly irate thrower-of-sharp-objects. “We were hurling things onto the field in a disorderly manner and all of a sudden, they just started playing soccer.”

The players were dressed in matching uniforms and seemed to know one another, suggesting that this was not merely an isolated incident, but rather a carefully-planned act of malfeasance that could happen again, next time with far more serious consequences. Citizens have been advised to be on the lookout for men running around with their shirts over their heads as well as run-on sentences.

Local policemen, who were diligently investigating the matter at the local cantina, commented that investigations are currently ongoing to locate and apprehend the provider of balls, uniforms and Guatemalan men over 5’3".

The chief of police issued the following statement: “If you know the whereabouts of the alleged soccer players or have any information that leads to their capture, brief detainment and post-bribe release, the Guatemalan police, in concert with the Army, will ensure that during the next coup d’état or civil war, the beatings given to you and your loved ones will be mild and your disappearances brief.”

After learning of the match, the Guatemalan Riot Federation fined the Xelajú club Q15,000 and banned them from rioting at Mario Camposeco stadium until next season. Rioters were visibly upset by the decision and have begun to lash out against the footballers. “We shouldn’t be punished for the thoughtless acts of twenty-two misguided and muscularly-legged criminals,” asserted Xelajú riot captain Jose Carlos Tiraangunacosa.

Riots previously scheduled to be held in Xela will be moved to Marquesa de Ensenada stadium in nearby San Marcos. The Xelajú club has generously agreed to provide free transportation to all away riots, but rioters are expected to bring along projectiles such rocks and chunks of concrete, though, as always, pretty much anything that has the capacity to both fly and inflict pain will do.