SOMEWHERE, RECENTLY: An investigation by a bunch of scientist-type dudes has revealed that long term marijuana use can lead to memory loss, a lack of attention to detail and some other stuff.

Your correspondent didn’t quite catch all the details, but it appears that smoking pot for lengthy periods can lead to shortness of temper and wild mood swings too, bitch.

A general loss in coordination and motivation was also cited as one of the negative effects associated with use of the drug. I figured that this claim deserved further research, but I was having one of those “can’t quite get it together to get out of the house” days, so I called my buddy Dave, who is an expert in the field, to see if he could corroborate.

“Dude,” Dave said “I’m almost at the end of level six on Halo. Does that sound like the work of someone who lacks coordination or motivation? Gotta go. I think the pizza’s here.”

As I thought about what Dave had told me, I began to wonder. Should I get a pizza, too? And how did he get past the big robot on level five? And, less importantly, what if all these studies are just misinformation?

I read further into the report, and it said that paranoia is another well-known side effect of pot smoking. But then, as we all know, the scientific community is controlled by the pharmaceutical industry which itself is controlled by the Illuminati, so wouldn’t it be the perfect cover to call people who can see what’s really going on “paranoid” so that they can continue with their plans of world domination and discredit David Icke at the same time?

Casting aside these doubts, I ploughed further into the report. The next claim they made was that marijuana use lowers your sex drive and ability to form close personal relationships. Which is funny, ‘cause I remember my last girlfriend Sylvia telling me something very similar just before we broke up, that night that we went to see the first Lord of the Rings movie at the cinema.

And then I realized that all of this thinking and analyzing had made me a little bit sleepy, so I decided to have a little nap so I’d wake up refreshed in time for the Sponge Bob Squarepants marathon on Nickelodeon later that night.