An International Development major and vice-president
of the Future Business Leaders of America at the University of California
at Berkeley, Michael Cheshire Kent III sought more out of life than
a high-paying job and all the luxuries that accompany it; he wanted
to use his education to give back to the community that gave so
much to him. But the suburbs of Northern California aren't quite
as exotic as the highlands of Guatemala, so he ended up here.
As the self-appointed Director of Microfinance and International
Development for the microfinance nonprofit Soluciones de Banco de
America Norte de Desarollo y Aid, or BAND AID Solutions, Michael
worked for six life-changing weeks with indigenous cooperatives
in the Guatemalan highlands, offering them small, interest free
loans to help jump-start fledgling collectives or provide an infusion
of much-needed capital to existing ones. Unfortunately, Michael
was recently forced to resign after discovering that the monthly
installations of capital from his parents were unsustainable.
"We strongly felt that we were not getting a sufficient rate
of return on our initial investment," remarked Kent's parents
and investors. "Namely, none." Most financial analysts
are in agreement that Michael's time in Guatemala had a decidedly
adverse effect on the Michael Cheshire Kent III futures market,
in which the Kents are known to have considerable financial and
emotional holdings. While all the loans are currently in arrears,
the Kents are confident that, if not recouped, the value of their
collateral of two goats and a one-legged chicken will only increase
as the lucrative second quarter rolls on.
With Michael out of the picture, the future looks bleak for BAND
AID. "My extensive six weeks in the field coupled with my strong
background in international economic development and cash-flow modeling
that I learned during the first semester of my sophomore year at
Berkeley made me an integral part of this project," noted Kent.
The director of BAND AID agreed that without Michael, the project
wouldn't have had a chance. "Without the money from his trust
fund, we would never have been able to give out loans at all."
She went on to note that the purchase of indigenous goods by his
extended family sure didn't hurt either.
Michael came to Guatemala with all the answers, but he'll leave
us with a final question to ponder. "Without donations from
enlightened, socially-minded people like myself, how can rural,
indigenous communities ever become self-sufficient?"
PAST
NEWS FEATURES...
MAY
2007
STUDENT
GRADUATES FROM USAC:
UNIVERSITY TO LAUNCH FULL INVESTIGATION
Quetzaltenango, Apr 17 - Shockwaves rippled through
the academic community here Thursday when it was revealed that
local student José Pérez had completed all the requirements
in his engineering degree and is eligible to graduate from the
University of San Carlos.
“I don’t understand how this could have happened”
remarked one professor on condition of anonymity. “We could
try blaming it on a computer error, but as you can see, that’s
hardly going to fly” he said, gesturing to a towering pile
of paperwork labeled Exams to be Graded: 1995 - 2007.
University staffers higher up in the administration are reported
to be shocked and outraged by the development. “I am shocked
and outraged by this development” said one higher-up. “How
the hell are we supposed to maintain the exclusivity and prestige
of being university graduates if we have guys graduating willy
nilly like this? We may end up having to go back and do further
study.”
While the university accepts thousands of new students each year,
a study has found that the graduation rate is less than 0.1%.
“Usually we can break their spirit with standard academic
practices” another unnamed professor explained “losing
exam results, stalling thesis acceptance for years, making them
repeat the entire first year - that kind of thing. I guess this
Pérez fellow just slipped through the cracks.”
Academic advisor Jorge Salazar, the man who was supposed to be
keeping track of Pérez’s academic progress - or lack
thereof - is keeping tightlipped about the debacle. “It’s
just really hard to keep track of what’s going on sometimes”
explained Salazar “Plus I’ve been a bit distracted
ever since I set myself the goal of nailing every female student
in my Ethics and Morality class. Anyway - I suspect there may
have been a bit of this” he said, scratching his upturned
palm.
Although financially accessible professors’ assistants and
exam questions are rumored to be age-old San Carlos institutions,
inside sources were unable to estimate how much it would cost
to actually graduate.
Pérez himself is giving nothing away, and already has his
sights set on future challenges. “I’m thinking about
painting the front wall of my house. The only thing I need now
is approval from the Centro Historico Committee.”
APRIL
2007
MOVISTAR
TO OFFER CUSTOMERS QUADRUPLE MINUTES,
SEXUAL
FAVORS THROUGHOUT APRIL
GUATEMALA, April 1. In a marketing move that
analysts are calling “risky,” “provocative,”
and even “frightening,” telecommunications giant Movistar
has upped the ante for mobile service providers in Guatemala by
offering 75% discounts and sexual favors with all phone card purchases
from Q10 and up.
During the initial months of 2007, Movistar has aggressively
pursued consumers with its frequent, lucrative special offers.
The corporation’s “double minutes” days, once
an elusive treasure, have become a somewhat everyday occurrence;
in March, consumers were even treated to a full month of the 2-for-1
phone card offer. But this still isn’t enough, according
to company spokesmen.
“Movistar has a longstanding promise to please the Guatemalan
people,” explained Jose Carlos de Leon, a public relations
executive with the company, “and we’re prepared to
be edgy and unconventional in our efforts to do that. In every
sense, Movistar’s mission is to satisfy its customers.”
“Well, that and to use predatory pricing to brutally crush
our competitors so that we can establish a monopoly, inflate prices,
and wrap our fingers a bit more tightly around the global windpipe,”
he added.
Officials at Movistar have been coy when asked to elaborate on
their surprising new offer. De Leon, when approached, winked and
replied, “Let’s just say no one will be disappointed.”
But according to Sergio Morales of the Procurador de Derechos
Humanos, many people are in fact disappointed, to say the least.
“It appears that business ethics have reached a new low.
This isn’t just bad marketing; in our view, it’s a
case of communal sexual harassment, and we’ll be moving
to formally charge Movistar with exactly that.” Company
officials have declined to respond to these and other criticisms.
For their part, Tigo and Claro have both released statements
indicating that they will match the quadruple minutes deal, but
are only comfortable offering backrubs.
MARCH
2007
TRAVELERS'
DIARRHEA EPIDEMIC NOW AIRBORNE
QUETZALTENANGO, Mar. 1. Local authorities are
struggling to regain control over the city, in the wake of a shocking
epidemic that has rendered thousands immobile and brought the
community to its knees. Confirming what many feared, the US-based
Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced yesterday that travelers’
diarrhea, a common and often ignored condition, is not only contagious
but spreading uncontrollably as an airborne epidemic in the greater
Xela area.
A seemingly coincidental bout of community-wide
bowel dysfunction was recognized as a serious public health crisis
by the end of this week, with work coming to a halt and municipal
water supplies unable to keep up with the sudden onslaught. Local
officials were slow to respond to the early signs of epidemic,
but in the wake of the CDC announcement have moved quickly and
decisively. Within the last 24 hours, the entire population has
been quarantined in an effort to protect those who have not been
affected from active carriers, for many of whom it may be too
late.
Joseph Larsen, spokesman for the CDC, said that
many public health experts are not surprised, commenting, “Diarrhea
has historically been, and in impoverished countries continues
to be, quite deadly. Ironically, advancements in health care in
the developed world have encouraged affluent travelers to underestimate
its lethality and largely shrug off or ‘wait out’
the symptoms.”
The outbreak was almost exclusively contained
within Zone 1 in its initial stages, and a two-block area surrounding
Mercado Las Flores has been identified as the eye of the storm.
“As early as two weeks ago, an alarming number of foreign
visitors began experiencing the telltale symptoms of diarrhea,
but incredibly not a single one sought medical help,” lamented
Dr. Manuel Velasquez, adding that this inaction allowed the epidemic
to, quite literally, explode undetected for over a week.
Experts remain unsure as to how and why diarrhea,
long a dangerous but non-contagious illness, suddenly began to
spread among the community. “We have come to no conclusions
as of yet,” Dr. Velasquez said in a formal statement, “but
are investigating two variables found in almost all early carriers:
an avoidance of institutional medical care in favor of homeopathic
remedies, and exceptionally poor hygienic condition.”
Municipal authorities have urged local citizens
to remain calm, and insist that even though the overwhelming majority
of initial carriers are from the United States, this is not yet
to be considered an act of bio-terrorism.
FEBRUARY
2007
STUDY
SHOWS THAT HONKING CLEARS TRAFFIC,
CURES CANCER
GUATEMALA CITY, Feb. 6. In what appears by all accounts to be
a landmark study, scientists announced this Tuesday that the aggressive,
incessant honking so engrained in Guatemalan commuter culture
not only instantly breaks up traffic jams, but also seems to cure
cancer.
For years, it has been common knowledge that when a seemingly
unavoidable queue of cars forms in the street, a few firm, confident
horn blasts will remedy the gridlock. To ensure wide dissemination
of this knowledge, in 2001 the Guatemalan government erected thousands
of billboards featuring an image of a furious driver assaulting
his steering wheel, under the large block letters: “MORE.
LOUDER. BETTER.”
But in light of these latest findings, says Dr. Javier López,
who oversaw the “Horn as Panacea?” study group, authorities
may need to redouble their efforts to educate the population.
Sitting in Quetzaltenango's Parque Benito Juarez, watching traffic
jam after traffic jam dissolve under a sweet symphony of horn
blasts, Dr. López smiled and explained the results of the
study. “The positive effects of honking on traffic and urban
quality of life in general are already well-known,” the
doctor commented. “But we hope our findings additionally
demonstrate that a simple horn blast is nothing less than an empirically
demonstrable exorcism for the 21st century. Indeed, it drives
everything around it away: traffic, pedestrians, solitude, joy…
and now, even cancer.”
Government officials have been quick to applaud the study and
highlight their immediate dedication to applying its findings.
Within minutes of the announcement, Efrain Rios Montt spoke to
the longstanding commitment of his FRG party to redirect major,
high-volume roadways away from affluent communities and through
impoverished neighborhoods with overcrowded hospitals.
In a televised address, Rios Montt proclaimed, “let us
capitalize on these results and finally concentrate 100% of traffic,
and the life-saving cacophony that accompanies it, where it rightly
belongs: with the long-suffering poor. Viva Guatemala!”
Rios Montt and other high-level officials have also been eagerly
anticipating the projected findings from a separate study correlating
proximity to landfills with longer lifespan.
JANUARY
2007
GUATEMALAN
GOVERNMENT TO ADDRESS HURRICANE STAN IN 2007
SOLOLA Jan 1: In a press conference in Sololá,
on the first day of the year, President Oscar Berger announced
that one of the government’s highest priorities for 2007
will be to begin addressing the effects of Hurricane Stan, which
pummeled Guatemala in early October of 2005.
In the city’s central park, President Berger,
who arrived two hours late due to mudslides on the Interamericana,
expressed his administration’s dedication to the undertaking.
“The waters washed away so many lives and livelihoods, but
no force of nature will ever deter this government from its duty
to the people,” Berger affirmed. “No, only corruption,
conscious neglect and misguided priorities can accomplish that.”
Stan, and the violent tropical rainstorm that spawned it, devastated
Guatemala fifteen months ago, covering many communities in up
to forty inches of mud, claiming the lives of thousands, wiping
out 80% of crops in the northern highland area where 50% of the
population already suffered from malnutrition, and deeply affecting
over one and a half million people.
A leader from a displaced coastal community, who preferred to
remain anonymous, says that the people from his village walked
over fifty kilometers to escape the damage wrought by Stan and
resettle on a small plot of land.
“We came here with almost nothing. There is very little
land for food, none of which is suitable for growing. We are not
used to this cold weather, and without good shelter many are getting
sick,” he said. “After so much hardship, we feel lucky
to have leaders who possess the courage and resolve to consider
distributing the millions of dollars they received from international
donors over a year ago.”
Digging a shovel into the mud covering central park, Berger proclaimed,
“this was a disaster of monumental proportions, and the
state intends to unleash an equally powerful plan of responsive
action.”
The President added that “to ensure effectiveness we intend
to model our efforts on the US government’s stellar response
to Hurricane Katrina. The key idea that we gleaned from consultations
with our northerly neighbors, and which we now offer to you, is
‘Be patient. Be very, very, very patient.’”
DECEMBER
2006
US
CONGRESS, TUPPERWARE CORPORATION DEVELOP
FINAL SOLUTION
TO IMMIGRATION CRISIS
WASHINGTON, DC Nov 18: The select Working Committee
on Immigration Issues announced today a radical plan to stem the
flow of illegal immigration to the United States.
“Working closely with our good friends at the Tupperware
Corporation, we have developed a plan to cover the entire continental
United States with a massive plastic dome” Committee President
Art Dickens (AK-R) said today.
Tupperware executives were enthusiastic about the plan “Hermetically
sealing the country inside a plastic container will have two great
benefits - it’ll keep unwanted elements out and keep citizens
inside fresh and ready until the next time they’re invited
to a party, which, considering recent foreign policy decisions,
could be some time away” Norm Turkel, a spokesman said.
Democrats offered cautious support for the plan “We’re
going to see what the Republicans call it first; If they decide
to name it the Apple Pie Dome or the God Bless America Project
then we’re pretty much screwed and we’ll have to vote
for it. Either way, we’ll just wait to see what the president
says and then offer a slightly watered down version of that”
a party spokesperson said.
The rest of the world seems to have no problem with sealing around
260 million US citizens inside a giant salad container. “That
means they can’t get out, either, right?” asked a
representative from the League of Arab Nations.
Although the dome has received initial approval, funding has not
yet been set aside in the budget, but Tupperware’s Mr Turkel
sees no problem there.
“What the US can do is invite other xenophobic, race-baiting
nations to a party to inspect the dome and maybe they’ll
buy one, earning the US a commission” he said “Australia,
for example, would be a prime candidate”.
Australian Prime Minister John Howard is said to be analyzing
the project in depth. “We have grave concerns about conserving
the American Way of Life, which we call the Australian Way of
Life, and border security is a top concern. Besides, from Vietnam
to Afghanistan to Iraq, we’ve basically traveled the globe
getting our arses kicked on costly, dangerous and pointless missions
helping out our American friends. Where do I sign?”
Construction on the United States dome is set to begin immediately,
in order to capitalize on a free steak knife offer.
