The stampede that ensued upon the release of last month’s magazine, leaving dozens gravely injured, only reminded us all of just how dangerously good XelaWho is. On this note, I can understand why we all spend countless hours reading, marveling at, and forming study groups regarding this literary gold mine. But my sources on the street tell me this is keeping us from reading what we here at XelaWho like to call “real news.” Unacceptable.

Whether you are here to study Spanish, plan to do some volunteer work, or you just woke up in a gutter this morning and have no clue why, it is important to take the initiative and learn a bit more about your surroundings.

Guatemala is graciously playing host to us, and the least we can do in return is, say, learn the president’s name. In an effort to help you access that knowledge and more, XelaWho selflessly presents you with a quick rundown of your Guatemalan media options.

La Prensa Libre is the granddaddy of Guatemalan newspapers. It has been around the longest and always offers a lot of stories, but frequently and stubbornly clings to outdated opinions and perspectives. This paper has the most content, including a fairly good international section; the editorials tend to lean a bit right. It also has a daily crossword, which is great for learning obscure, useless words in Spanish.

El Periodico is another widely distributed national paper. It is much smaller than La Prensa, especially its international section, but the editorials are frequently interesting and left-leaning. Not that we’re implying a correlation. The paper also seems to have breaking, front-page news on a shocking new scandal at least three times a week. Most importantly, experts have noted that it offers the best horoscopes.

El Quetzalteco is the place to go for more in-depth coverage of Xela news. As most other papers are based in and focused on Guate, this is a good one to pick up.

El Diario is the place to go if your idea of news is “boobs and corpses.” Sensationalist beyond comparison, this paper actually celebrated Christmas in 2006 by listing how many people were killed, robbed and raped during the day.

There you have it. You can find all these papers, as well as La Hora, Xtra, Al Día and a few other dailies, at the south end of central park and on various street corners.