by Chris Perras

It's September, XelaWhooligans, which means that the "democratic elections" in Guatemala are almost upon us.  Just in time, XelaWho is here to catch you up. Here’s a rundown of the parties:

UNE: Enjoying a large lead in early polls, Alvaro Colom, UNE's presidential nominee, is running under the platform of peace and hope, symbolized by the dove in UNE's banner. The dove is a fitting symbol for UNE, as many Guatemalan political analysts/future kipnappees predict that Colom and his cronies will make sweet-sounding noises to the Guatemalan public while occasionally shitting on things. One particularly hopeful and abstract-minded analyst predicts that the dove symbolizes the idea that UNE will cleanse Guatemalan politics of corruption, while another hungry and terribly misguided analyst predicts that they will taste like chocolate.

GANA: Currently running first in the looking like Hitler polls, Alejandro Giammattei is offering the Guatemalan populace "Seguridad Total," learning from his past mistake of offering "Seguridad Parcial." Giammattei earned his fame and popularity last year as director of Guatemala's prison system by ordering the summary execution of a number of prisoners. So he's not lying when he claims to represent traditional Guatemalan values.

Partido Patriota: (Redacted by the Guatemalan Army).

FRG: The Frente Republicano Guatemalteco, currently leading the field in having its name painted on the bottom of Guatemala's trees, has nominated Luis Rabbé for president. Rabbé hopes to follow in the illustrious footsteps of former FRG president Alfonso Portillo, who allegedly stole over US$1 billion from the coffers of the Guatemalan government, prompting international observers to wonder where Guatemala ever got US$1 billion in the first place. 
                       
Encuentro Por Guatemala: In a triumph for the indigenous community and those wishing to take advantage of them, EPG has nominated Nobel Prize winning human rights activist Rigoberta Menchú for president. I just hope that Menchú's "Guatemalan encounter" ends up a lot better than mine. The last thing Guatemala needs right now is to wake up in a back alley with urine-stained pants and a rash on its collective genitalia. Figuratively speaking, of course.