AUGUST 2008

Going for Gold

The debate’s been heated this month at XelaWho HQ & Grill. Mostly, we’ve been trying to decide which is the tastiest licuado - mora con leche or piña con agua. We’ve also been trying to figure out what this month’s hot topic is - the Olympic Games or XelaWho’s third birthday.

They’re both groundbreaking, earth-shaking events, no doubt. It’s pretty much an established tradition that every August we dedicate an entire editorial to just how fabulous we are, followed by some groveling to our advertisers and then some self-deprecating humor.

But then, we’re talking the Olympics, man... Once every four years the world’s best (theoretically) drug-free (nominally) amateur athletes get together to perform archaic feats in pursuit of little metal discs.

And in the time-honored XelaWho tradition of indecision, we decided that they were equally important.

So let’s get the first bit out of the way... We rock, our writers and contributors are superstars and our advertisers should be nominated for sainthoods. The magazine? Well, three years down the track, we’re still Quetzaltenango’s leading culture and nightlife magazine. That’s gotta count for something, right?

And at this point, if we were at all passionate or artful about what we do, we’d segue effortlessly into the Olympics theme.

The Olympics floats our boat for multiple reasons, only one of them being that they’re a fine excuse to park it on the sofa for two weeks of nonstop vicarious sporting achievement.

We also get the joy of becoming experts in sports that, for the next four years we could give less than a crap about, just because our respective countries win medals in them. The Australians and swimming. The North Americans and gymnastics. The Bulgarians and hammer throw.

Maybe you caught the media kafuffle surrounding China hosting this year’s Olympics. Detractors say that, given China’s human rights record, this sends a bad message to the international community.

If we may add our own, admittedly vacuous opinion here, we’d like to note that, being that countries like the USA, Australia and Russia have all played host recently, the horse has pretty much bolted on that one.

So there you have it friends. Your classic two-in-one editorial. And if you’re wondering, we’re leaning towards mora con leche, but we’ll let you know next month.

PAST EDITORIALS...

JULY 2008

Here Beginneth the Sermon

It’s always the year of something. The elderly, disabled people. Refugees. And quite often, the month of something. International goodwill. The environment. Water. Then, as if that’s not enough, we quite often declare it the day of something, too. Fathers. Mothers. Secretaries.

It’s almost as if humans have lost touch with the seasonal rituals that bound them together as a society for centuries and now have to scramble to fill their calendar with a little imposed meaning.

Or something like that.

Regardless. Here at XelaWho, we’re joining in on the fun, and declaring July the month of Taking a Little Step Back and Having a Good Hard Look at Yourself, Buddy.

So often we get caught up in the minutiae of our lives - our hopes and fears, the pride that comes with personal ambition - that we lose sight of who we are and what we could be in the context of our respective communities and the world at large.

It’s a process that goes right to the top. Wars that are started with the best of intentions turn into bloody messes where nobody stands down because it converts into a competition to see who’s not going to lose face. You see it on the most minor of scales, too - people crashing into each other on a daily basis, unable to yield because of their own foolish pride.

Seems to us that the world would run a whole lot smoother if there were a little more give and a little less take factored into each transaction.

It’s not an easy process to begin - what we’re talking about is a revolution of the mind, a far more difficult and lasting transition than the one that happens with guns and slogans.

But that’s your homework for this month, people - be kind to each other. Take a step back and think about what really matters in life.

At the end of the day, we’re all we’ve got.

JUNE 2008

Come On, Get Happy

First, let’s get our terminology straight: Here in the Land of the Eternal Spring, there is no such thing as spring. You got your Dry, which is generally cold, and your Wet, which tends to be warmer, thus explaining why it never snows here*.

But hey - the sun’s out, but not scorching. There’s a bit of rain, but no flooding. Little birdies are chirping in the trees and the flowers are blooming. The hell with it. We hereby declare that spring has arrived.

Spring kicks ass for various reasons. It’s a time of year traditionally associated with rebirth, and, dare we say it, lerrrv. Accordingly, Xela feels like it’s going through a little confidence boom these days. June sees the opening of the Los Chocoyos Cultural Center and the Jesús Castillo Cultural District, the ACSA international arts festival and a mountain of interesting exhibitons at the recently-opened Casa No’j.

The reforestation people are out on the hillsides, digging and planting. Old folks are holding hands in the Central Park and young couples are hooking up in some dark corner of La Rumba.

Xela, which for a while there we ironically called the Cradle of Culture is buzzing with activity this month - there are exhibitions, outdoor concerts, big name international musicians, street theater, movies... even an opera performance... most of it free, all of it open to the public, which means you and me and the guy sitting next to you on the bus reading over your shoulder.

Who knows - they may even finish work on the airport this month. Ha!

All in all, it’s an awesome time to be in town. Regardless of if you’re a newcomer or a long-timer, if you’re here for June, you’re about to see some of the best that Xela, Guatemala and Latin America have to offer.

Spring on!

* Due to the effects of global climate change, these meteorological observations should be taken as a guideline only. XelaWho will not be held responsible for freak blizzards, droughts, floods or any other climactic deviations that may occur. Please hang your washing accordingly.

MAY 2008

Strike One

April 16 is a date which will live in infamy. We were forced to steal that line from Roosevelt because - for the first time in the history of our illustrious magazine - our writers went on strike. Gathered in an angry mob outside of corporate headquarters, they threatened not to write a single word until we raised their pay and gave them English language keyboards so their ártiçlés wouldñ't £óók like thís. Tensions were high and it wasn' t long before things got out of hand. One board member was almost maimed crossing the picket line on his way to the executive foosball room. In retaliation, one of the writers was hit with a flying object that can only be described as, "a water balloon filled with red paint." It wasn' t long before a meeting of the editorial staff and other higher-ups was convened to make a decision on what to do. Where would we ever find people incompetent enough to write such sophomoric drivel? What does sophomoric even mean? And most importantly, who keeps using the last roll of toilet paper in the executive bathroom without replacing it? Things had gotten serious, and, as it were, a bit unsanitary. Fortunately, one of our copy editors came up with a brilliant idea at the last possible moment. " Let' s go to a bar," he said. So to a bar we went, growing ever confident in our decision-making abilities. After a few rounds, somebody suggested we actually give in to the writers' demands. Hah! He clearly had no sense of history. Screwing over workers is practically a national tradition here in Guatemala. So if we didn' t give in, you ask with anticipation, what did we do? Fortuitously (we looked that up at dictionary.com), on that very day a cage full of monkeys escaped from the Xela zoo and headed straight for our office. After herding them into the writers' pit, it came to me: why not lock them in there until the magazine is all finished? And that's exactly what we did. The best part? Nobody noticed. That's right, we actually replaced our staff with a roomful of monkeys for the April issue and nobody noticed. Sure, the feces fights are more violent than they used to be, but, on the bright side, our head lice problem has been almost entirely eradicated. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?

Christopher Perras
Editor and Chief Monkey Herder

APRIL 2008

Xela is widely known as the volunteer capital of Guatemala and rightly so. It's home to over two hundred different organizations that employ volunteers on a wide variety of projects. What's more, EntreMundos, the top volunteering resource in Guatemala, makes it easy for volunteers to find projects. Conveniently located in the Western highlands, rural indigenous communities with ongoing development projects are only a short chicken bus ride away. Its socially-conscious volunteering reputation in turn attracts socially-conscious people interested in volunteering.

You'd think that projects in need of volunteers would be jumping for joy. Well, they're not. You see, with lots of volunteers come, well, lots of volunteers. Managing volunteers can be almost as challenging as managing the project itself, especially when the following types of volunteers are among them:

The Know-it-all. Seamlessly integrating the save-the-world ideology of a west coaster with the arrogance of an east coaster, this sagacious volunteer is big on words like " sustainable" and " collaborative," and less familiar with such phrases as " get off your ass and do some work."

The Complainer. No bathrooms? Chicken buses? Hailing from such hotbeds of individualism and cultural sensitivity as Connecticut and Lawn Giland, the complainer is like, so ready to go home.

The Photographer. Fancy camera in hand, they're easy to spot. While typically harmless, their lack of tact - " honey, look at the lady breast feeding" - can get them into trouble.

The Hypochondriac. Quick to pack her own lunch and analyze her own stool, she's sick (she thinks) of being in Guatemala already.

The Demander. This busy traveler has two weeks to volunteer her time and she'll be damned if anyone gets in her way. She's got houses to paint and a blog to fill, so either give her something to do or prepare to feel her wrath.

Now we're not going to get all preachy about how you should volunteer for the right reasons; after all, we're only in it for the lifetime supply (per meal) of tamalitos. We're not even going to give any tips on how to be a better volunteer, because frankly, what do we know? All that we ask is this: don't be that guy.

Christopher Perras
Editor

MARCH 2008

Don't get us wrong, February was great. Had the whole Valentine's Day thing, not to mention the annual XelaWho company picnic and softball game. But we here at the XelaWho are stoked - to bring back a word - for March. Why? The Atitlán music festival is coming to town, featuring a wide variety of bands and performers and boasting one of the world's most beautiful backdrops? Saint Patrick's Day is also on its way, complete with green beer, soda bread and hilarious drunken phone calls from my family. Chilly nights and mornings? Over. Mango season? Just beginning. As if all that weren't enough, Semana Santa, the holiest of holy weeks, is upon us.

So what's so hot about a week-long Christian holiday that doesn't even offer any candy or magical bunnies? Guatemalans don't just observe the holiday; they celebrate it. Instead of reading depressing psalms or engaging in self-abnegation, people put on their flashy robes, decorate the streets and most importantly, have fun.

Fasting? No sir. Large crowds bring enterprising food vendors eager to sell you a delicious tamal with some atol de elote at a cut-rate price.

Abstention from alcohol? Far from it. Maximón, one of the most important figures during Semana Santa, is the patron saint of drinking and smoking. For more information on Maximón and Semana Santa celebrations in Santiago Atitlan, click here.

Interminable, boring church services? Not happening. While los Evangelicos certainly don't shy away from group prayer, they liven it up with colorful processions that incorporate Mayan deities and beliefs into traditional church customs. In addition, Paul Simon's "The Sound of Silence" always seems to be playing and nobody ever knows why, though I still can't decide whether this is a positive or a negative.

So whether you plan to attend the world famous processions in Antigua, sit back and relax at the lake or stay home in Xela, enjoy your Semana Santa. But don't go too crazy. After all, Jesus is watching.

Christopher Perras
Editor

FEBRUARY 2008

Will You Be My Valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day, Guatemala. It's been nine months and we're still going strong. I know we've had our bumps along the way, like that night I cursed your police for robbing me or that time I almost left you after I got electrocuted for the umpteenth time in the shower. From the highest highs to the lowest lows, we've shared them together. That's why this Valentine's Day I wanted to take the time to tell you just how much I care.

How do I love thee Guatemala, let me count the ways:

You're beautiful. From your lush jungle to your majestic mountaintops to your tranquil beaches, you have everything a guy could ever want. Your stunning volcanoes and magnificent lakes never cease to take my breath away.

You're cultured. Thousands of years since the dawn of Mayan civilization, indigenous people continue to constitute a majority of your population while maintaining their unique languages, religion and cultures.

You're kind. Always quick to give a salutation or lend a helping hand to a wayward tourist, you really know how to make strangers feel at ease. What's more, your amiability is sincere and you ask for nothing but the same in return.

You're delicious. Not widely known for your cooking, you nevertheless never seem to disappoint me in the kitchen. From your chiles rellenos to your paches to your churrascos, I can never seem to get enough. And heaven knows the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

You're strong. Your physical strength is certainly impressive, but it's your mental toughness that gets me. When bad times befall you, as they always seem to, your resilience allows you to persevere and look forward, even if it's only to your next day's work.

I love you Guatemala. No matter what happens with us, I'll keep a little piece of you in my heart forever.

Christopher Perras
Editor

JANUARY 2008

Our New Year's Resolutions

It's January, which means it's time for the obligatory XelaWho New Year's resolution editorial. When I looked back on New Year's editorials past - really, you expected us to be original for once? - I found that our past resolutions (ending world wars, solving world hunger and legalizing gay marriage) have gone unfulfilled. Worse, they seem to have regressed. Far from over, the Iraq war and the effects thereof continue to destabilize the Middle East. As always, less publicized wars in Africa have claimed even more lives without the international outrage that should accompany them. World hunger rates have seen a steady increase in recent years. Guatemala itself has one of the highest child malnutrition rates in the non-African world. Since Massachusetts legalized gay marriage in 2004 and Spain and Canada followed suit in 2005, the vast majority of laws pertaining to gay marriage have served to limit the rights of gay couples and restrict the possibility of future liberal legislation.

With our current track record in mind, and without any further ado, I give you our resolutions for 2008:

1. Ban tolerance. I'm talking racial, socioeconomic, religious and ethnic. If you're white, hate minorities. If you're a minority, hate white people. And other minorities. Poor? Hate the rich. Catholic? Hate the Protestants. But mostly yourself, you sinner.

2. Increase global warming. Have you noticed that it has gotten pretty cold during the mornings and nights around here? I'm sick of it. Can you imagine what the Canadians must be dealing with? The horror. So if you've got aerosol cans, spray ‘em. Have access to a gas-guzzling truck? Let's ride.

3. Increase human trafficking. I don't know about you, but Natalya, the 12-year old sex slave I imported from Russia in the late 90's, is now 22 and well past her prime. Given the stricter laws and enforcement against human trafficking, it may be years before I find a suitable Cambodian replacement. I say let's cut through the administrative red tape so we can all enjoy a little more bondage, literally and figuratively speaking. But mostly literally.

Here's to hoping that the annual XelaWho New Year's resolution jinx continues. Happy New Year!

Christopher Perras
Editor

DECEMBER 2007

One Uppers

One-uppers. No, it's not the number of speed pills you popped last weekend in San Pedro. I'm referring to that guy you met in your hostel. You know the guy. If you've been to Thailand, he speaks Thai. You've hiked the Appalachian Trail? He's climbed Mounts Everest. During a long weekend. Before he hit puberty.

This kind of person elicits all kinds of reactions. Travel-newbies are awed and follow him around like starry-eyed lemmings. Seasoned ex-pats are either non-plussed or mildly annoyed. He may make them gag a little, but he's nothing they haven't seen before. Do-gooders are usually sad. After all, they've only saved a life or two and he's saved thousands!

It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that Xela is home to so many of these one-uppers; Guatemala itself is a one-upper country. What's that? Your country had some civil unrest during the last half of the twentieth century? Guatemala had a 36-year civil war responsible for the death of over 200,000 people. Your country has nice beaches? Guatemala has nice beaches and volcanoes and lakes and jungles. Your country has culture? Guatemala is home to a civilization that has been around since 1800 B.C. and boasts twenty-three distinct national languages. Your country has great food and
music? Okay, so Guatemala isn't so hot on those two fronts, but you get the idea.

What am I getting at? Don't be that guy. I'm sure you deeply care about quadriplegic orphans with Down syndrome and have traveled to places I may never have been or even heard of, but by name dropping like an L.A. producer, you cheapen your experiences and come off as an arrogant jackass. And if you're not that guy, don't let him affect you. Be proud of what you're doing here, even if you're not Mother Theresa. If someone is better off from your presence here - even if that someone is only little ol' you - then your time here has been a success. And if what you're doing doesn't make you proud, then step out of your shell and find something that fulfills you. There are a ton of opportunities in Guatemala, but you usually need to do some legwork to find them. So get out there and make something happen.

Christopher Perras
Editor

NOVEMBER 2007

All Saints Day

Every November 1st, men in cowboy hats and striped red pants play the marimba while lookers-on sway to the rhythm of their ancestors. Members of cofraidas mutter prayers and burn scented offerings to the gods to watch over the souls of deceased children. All Saints Day, or Dia de Todos Santos, is part of the 10 day celebration beginning on October 21st and ending on November 2nd with All Souls Day. While the holiday is commemorated throughout Guatemala, no celebration rivals that of the dusty highland town with the same name: Todos Santos Cuchumatán.

And what better way to honor dead kids then to drink nothing but grain alcohol for 24 hours and then race horses? That's right friends, the All Saints Day celebration in Todos Santos is capped by a spectacular drunken horse race. The goal? To stay on your horse as long as possible without passing out. And pass out they do. According to local legend, the death of a jinete, or drunken horseman, during the race is considered a sign that it will be a good year. So it's like Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog's Day, except the shadow involved is metaphorical and permanent.

Since we know that most of our readers don't have access to elaborate, colorful costumes and barnyardanimals (except for you Lucas and no we don't judge) and are generally far too stoned to plan a trip in advance, we've hatched a foolproof plan to bring the festival to you. First, get trashed on Halloween with a group of friends, hostel mates or language school buddies. We're fairly confident that most of you will do this anyway, so there's no need to elaborate. When you awaken from your drunken stupor the following morning, drink a fifth of Quetzalteca in less than an hour. It's not grain alcohol, but it will do the trick. Next, go to Minerva and get on a chicken bus. Bonus points if you don't know the destination. The person who rides the bus the longest without throwing up wins. You may be asking yourself, "what, exactly, is the point of all this?" Clearly you haven't been paying attention. It's tohonor deceased children. Obviously. And if you have no desire to do that - well - you better pray on All Souls Day because you're probably going to hell.

Christopher Perras

Editor

OCTOBER 2007

Happy Halloween

What are you going to be for Halloween? This year I'm dressing up as Lucas Vidgen, founder, owner and outgoing editor of the XelaWho. My Australian accent needs some work, but I've picked up smoking and have my smug sense of superiority down pat. As for the XelaWho - well - how hard can running a magazine be anyway?

As for the rumors surrounding his disappearance, I can assure you that most accounts have been highly exaggerated. First of all, he was not naked. A cowboy hat is clothing as far as I'm concerned. Second, the goats were covered in paint - not blood - and the fifteen pounds of queso fresco could totally have been in the room for cooking purposes. Just kidding Lucas. Have fun in Argentina!

Back to the subject at hand. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and not just for all the partially-hydrogenated, high-fructose related indulgences. It's the one day of the year when we can forget about who we are and transform ourselves into someone else. Whether it's a simple mask or an intricate costume, Halloween lets us, for one night, be the person we've always wanted to be.

For many travelers, ex-pats and fellow hangers around, Guatemala affords the opportunity to live out the magic of Halloween on a daily basis. We leave behind our lives and responsibilities and take on new personas coordinating development projects, exploring new places or doing nothing at all.

This transformation can serve as a temporary respite from our otherwise well-planned lives or an impromptu escape therefrom. We must remember, however, not to delude ourselves into thinking the one while living the other. Just here for a bit? Enjoy your time off, but spare us the bit about becoming one with the natives. Moving here for good? Welcome aboard, but do realize what you're getting into. Most importantly, enjoy your Halloween. If you have any treats, you know where to find me.

Quetzaltecally yours,

Christopher Perras
Editor

SEPTEMBER 2007

The Fair Comes to Town

Dust off your cowboy boots, people - it’s Fair time again in Quetzaltenango. If you want to get technical about it, we’re talking about La Feria Internacional de Independencia.

First held back in 1884 in the Canton San Nicolas, the fair has had various homes over the years,but in 1984, to celebrate its centenary, the fairgrounds - CEFEMERQ - were constructed just out of town, and it’s been held there ever since.

The general tone has changed, too - way back when, there were traditional games like chasing greased pigs (los coches encebados), balancing on ropes (la tamba del Diablo) and climbing greased poles (el palo encebado), along with parades through the city, social dances, horse races and beauty pageants.

That last part has survived, and grown. This year just some of the titles being contested are: Little Miss Quetzaltenango, Little Miss Maya, Miss Quetzaltenango, Miss Maya, Miss Indigenous, Miss Sports and our favorite, Miss Municipal Employee.

Out at the fairgrounds, the entertainment has become earthier, too. You can expect the same sort of shooting gallery, sideshow games that are found all over the world, alongside food stalls (traditional and junk), rides, random concerts and the scariest Ferris Wheel you’re ever likely to ride.

The action goes from morning to midnight, from the 12th to the 17th, with crowds getting craziest on the main day, the 15th.

If you’re planning on hitting the fairgrounds (and we strongly recommend it) bear this in mind: every pickpocket and bagslasher in the country will also be there.

Don’t panic, but don´t take Absolutely Everything, either.

One feature of the week is the free concert held on Independence Eve, the 14th, with bands playing everything from Marimba to Rock. At midnight, the mayor gives a long-ass speech known as the “grito de independencia” - independence shout - (which is not nearly as entertaining as a “grito ranchero”, but then you can’t have everything), church bells are rung all over town and then the fun starts up again.

CEFEMERQ is located just out of town, past Trigales on the Pereferico. The Municipality will be providing transport from near the Parque Benito Juárez on the days of the Feria.
See you there!

AUGUST 2007

Happy Birthday to Us

Two years is a long time in the magazine business. Many marriages don’t even last that long, so this month we’re feeling particularly entitled to gloat.
If you can get your hands on one of the highly collectible first issues of XelaWho, you’ll see we’ve come a long way. We’ve tripled in size (mostly due to our inability to produce concise copy), upped circulation, widened distribution and added a revolving cast of contributors to keep things interesting.

The guidebooks love us (Frommer’s lists xelawho.com as one of the top 5 websites in Guatemala), backpackers hunt us down and the older expats loathe us.

All, bascially, is right in the world.

XelaWho comes together each month thanks to a careful mixture of precision planning and last minute panic. Many people work hard to make sure the mag hits the streets before the first of the month. As for the editorial team - bunch of drunken loafers... thumb-twiddling deadwoods... hopeless, excuse-making clowns... you can pretty much take your pick.

Some (but probably not all) of the folks who deserve a special mention here are the almost frighteningly-organized Ana Marie Madison, stand-in editors Andrew Huckins and Brian Benson, regular contributors Pedro Rodriguez, Carlos Poza and Chris Perras, cartoonist Zaira Hernández, web dude Michael Norman and our man in San Pedro, Steve Pattinson.

Four other groups deserve big ups. Firstly, our advertisers - without you, XelaWho would be a photocopied page available exclusively in my lounge room.

Second, the artists and performers who fill our events pages each month. We know you work hard and get paid little, but without you Guatemala would be a much less interesting place to be.

Third, the business owners who provide a space for live music, art, theater, film, DJs, etc. Without you, there would be no XelaWho.

And lastly, the readers. Every time you visit one of our advertisers with a XelaWho in hand, you bring us one step closer to putting out the next edition.

Enough from me. See you next year.

Lucas Vidgen
Big Kahuna,
Revista XelaWho

JULY 2007

XelaWho Spreads its Wings

It had to happen. After nearly two years of doing the do in Quetzaltenango, the XelaWho team finally ponied up the Q20, got on a bus and took this show on the road.

And thus the San Pedro section was born.

Putting a San Pedro section in a Xela magazine makes a lot of sense to us, and it’s not just all about our insatiable greed for the almighty Quetzal or our lust for global dominance.

San Pedro and Xela share a common story. Both are favorite tourist destinations - especially for foreigners, but according to Guatemala’s Tourism department, INGUAT, they barely exist.

In the face of this massive indifference, the two towns have learnt that if they want something, they just have to get out there and do it themselves. They’re both a world away from the glossy brochures of the Antigua/Tikal love connection, and many travelers dig them for just that reason.

There’s a natural affinity between the two towns as well - Xela-based students and volunteers most often head for the lake for a weekend break, more often than not to San Pedro. And when, for one reason or another, they need the big city vibe, Pedranos (permanent, temporary and everywhere in between) prefer Xela’s relative mellowness to the craziness of the capital.

There was a time when San Pedro had such a reputation for depravity that the Peace Corps were banned from going there, even on their days off. But then, there was a time when people actually joined the Peace Corps under the impression that they were helping to save the world, not just involved in a cynical attempt at damage control aimed at steering people’s attention away from all the nasty stuff that the US does elsewhere in the world.

San Pedro’s come a long way in a short time. Not so long ago, there wasn’t even a road into town and the only access was by one of three boats a week.

These days, there are 5 daily buses to and from Xela and 8 to and from the capital. It’s a good sized little town with nearly everything you could want - restaurants serving food from all over the world, excellent value hotels in all price ranges and some of the best nightlife on the lake, if not in the country.

To keep you busy, there are treks, hot pools, weaving courses, kayaks, horse rides, the inevitable Spanish classes and, of course, the ever-popular hammock+beer option. Viva, San Pedro. We’ll see you there.

JUNE 2007

Hanging Tough

Solidarity is a funny thing, and when it comes to the business community it can be downright hilarious. Here’s a group of people who live day to day in cutthroat competition getting together to figure out what’s best for the common good.

The history of industry associations in Xela is a checkered one at best. Over the years we’ve had hotel associations, bar and restaurant associations, Spanish school associations, tour operator associations - even internet café associations. They all start off the same way - groups of enthusiastic, motivated business owners with ideas and drive who want to improve the sector, customer service and, as a result, their own situation.

Then the problems start - personal grievances, infighting, self interest and politicking. Numbers start to dwindle as the idealists lose hope and the pragmatists see that the meetings are really just talkfests. Pretty soon membership is a joke and not even the Board of Directors bothers to turn up to meetings.

Just as the magazine was going to print for the June issue, a new Board of Directors was elected to Quetzaltenango’s Chamber of Tourism (CAMTUR). Xela’s actually had a CAMTUR for a couple of years now, but you could be forgiven for not having noticed.

There’s no doubt that Xela needs a body like this - a formal grouping of the entire tourism sector from bars to restaurants, hotels, schools, tour operators internet cafés, etc.

One possible irony is that, a couple of years back, a very similar group got together and formulated a Strategic Plan for the tourism sector in Xela. It’s a beautiful document - well thought out and full of excellent, forward thinking ideas. Most departments in Guatemala have a Strategic Tourism Plan, but those in the know say that Xela’s is one of the best in the country.

But here’s the kicker - not one word of it has ever been implemented.

Hopefully, Xela’s newly invigorated Chamber of Tourism will be an inclusive, cohesive organization, and one that backs up its fine sentiments with concrete actions.

What we need is a body that can manage the growth in tourism in the city in a thoughtful and productive manner, learning from the mistakes in the past and moving in a sure footed way into the future.

That’s what we hope, anyway. Show us what you got, Chamber of Tourism.

MAY 2007

Work Will Set You Free

May 1st, aka May Day - the day on which workers of the world unite, walk down the street chanting slogans for a couple of hours, then return to work where they enter into confidential negotiations with their employers, sign individual contracts and undercut each others’ wages. It’s a grand old tradition.

But let’s face it - work sucks. Sorry to interrupt this whole “I’m just happy to be productive and contribute to society” circlejerk, but honestly, I think we can all accept that work is the big hairy steamer in the punchbowl of life.

Who can say that if they could live comfortably for the rest of their life, they wouldn’t retire right now?

That’s what I thought.

The only two groups who don’t have to work - the idle rich and the homeless - come from opposite ends of the economic spectrum but actually have surprisingly similar lifestyles. They both have great tans, stand around on street corners talking into thin air (although the rich tend to have one of those bluetooth thingies plugged in their ears) and both spend most of their time planning their next drinking/drug binge.

For the rest of us, the deal with work is this: your boss pays you to do what they can’t/can’t be arsed doing - something you wouldn’t otherwise do if you weren’t getting paid. The amount they pay is a gamble - hoping that you bring in way more than they’re paying out.

And like any good gamble, the house always wins in the end.

The union movement - another sweet idea in theory brought to you by the industrial revolution - has been losing steam over the years. Union membership is dropping across the board in nearly every industry, the one exception being the service industry.

Nobody really understands why, but it’s a safe bet that the hospitality industry is becoming more unionized as its ranks fill out with college graduates learning the hard way that a degree doesn’t necessarily mean a job.

I used to do occasional contract work for a multinational corporation - a decision that I explained in two words - one of them “bling”, the other one being “bling”. The way my sometimes not-really employers got around the whole union thing was by telling us that we were all a big happy family, and there was no need for old school confrontational tactics.

It was a compelling argument, and gave us a warm, fuzzy feeling as we went into confidential negotiations, signed individual contracts and undercut each others’ wages.

Anyway. I should get back to work.

APRIL 2007

An Open Letter to PCSTMLs

MARCH 2007

Roll Out the Red Carpet...

Yes, from March 8th to the 14th, George W. Bush will be visiting Brazil, Uruguay, Colombia, Mexico and Guatemala as part of a “charm offensive” in a region he has tossed on the back burner, or perhaps off the stove completely, for the past six years. This, of course, comes on the tails of his successful “wanna cuddle?” campaign, launched to patch things up with the Democratic majority in Congress.

The global press uttered a collective “what the hell?” upon reading the White House press release detailing Bush’s southern tour. Before the announcement, most had agreed with David Cross’s thoughtful observation that Captain Freedom’s awareness of Latin America was limited to “taking shooters in Cabo San Lucas.” And after having his feelings hurt so deeply at the 2005 Cumbre de las Americas in Argentina (people called him really mean names), it seemed unlikely that Bush would be coming back.

But Press Secretary Tony Snow cleared it all up. Bush is apparently stopping through to “deliver the benefits of democracy in the areas of health, education, and economic opportunity.” I assume he’s bringing them in his briefcase.

He specifically has chosen to visit Guatemala in order to highlight the warm, historic ties between the two countries – you know, United Fruit Company, death squads, and other fuzzy memories – and “experience the rich cultural diversity of this Central American nation.” Insert your own clever quip here: ___________.

The White House has been surprisingly secretive about the reasons behind Bush’s visit, and even the experts at XelaWho are a bit confounded. Cynics say he’s escaping a shitstorm of disapproval back home, optimists suggest he may be finally responding proactively to the imperial immigration crisis, and this editor believes he just wants a copy of XelaWho.

In all likelihood, Boy George will be hyping the wonderful success of CAFTA and discussing the current rancor within the US migrant community, whose continual growth obviously has nothing at all to do with the effects of said trade agreement.

George, I know you’re reading this. Everybody does. I should tell you that I don’t like you. Nobody does. But you can change that, by using your visit as constructively as possible – namely, by offering a promise that you won’t be back.

FEBRUARY 2007

For the Love of Love

Valentine's Day has become such a monstrous cliché by now that even criticizing it is a bit played out. Luckily, you committed readers know that the gem you hold in your hands is nothing if not original - visionary, it has even been said. So instead of just whining about how much love stinks, we have asked the lowly peons in the XelaWho research lab to dig deep into history to uncover the hidden roots of, and breathe new life into, the day so many unnecessarily dread.

It all began in pagan Rome with the February Lupercalia celebration. A communal frat party of sorts, Lupercalia involved rich young men running the streets naked and striking passersby with thongs. This was followed by a lottery during which each boy drew the name of a teenage girl who would be his sexual companion for the year.

In the fifth century, Pope Gelasius, better known as Pope Party Pooper, altered the lottery so that youth chose saints to emulate instead of partners with whom to fornicate. Gelasius hyped St. Valentine, an adorable third century martyr who married people in defiance of a decree, passed by Emperor Claudius, banning the institution. It seems being in love made men less excited about killing people.

Valentine was executed, but not before falling in love in prison, and signing a farewell note “From Your Valentine,” thus inspiring centuries of sentimental letters and crass commercial ventures. At present, most arrive at February 14th dreading one of two scenarios: expressing love with some wonder of mass production or drowning loneliness with some form of mass consumption.

Another world is possible, my friends, a world in which we reconnect to what's really important about love and the day we celebrate it. And, as usual, XelaWho is leading the revolution with this starter list of suggestions for how to both reconnect Valentine's Day to its roots and revitalize it for the 21st century:

* Martyr someone. Celebrate.
* Strip naked and run through La Demo until you find true love.
* Bring back the lottery, but in a hybrid form that placates both Catholics and dirty heathens. Pick a saint’s name from a hat. Sexually covet him or her all year.

Whether or not we act on these specific ideas, let’s make sure to avoid either blandly commodifying or cynically hating on love. It deserves better, and so do we. Big hugs from XelaWho to you.

JANUARY 2007

A Clean Slate

We have arrived at January, which means for those of us with faith in all things Gregorian that it’s a new year, to be celebrated with friends, fireworks, promises of constructive change, and likely a vicious hangover.

I won’t bore you with my personal goals for 2007, as my fulfillment of last year’s resolution, achieving self-actualization, has rendered any such growth impossible. Ever the workhorse, I still have spent hours of reflection developing a set of visionary resolutions… for everyone else.

My sources on the internet have informed me that every time a reggaeton song is played in public, a ninja kills a kitten and doesn’t even care. In defense of kittens everywhere, I propose that all restaurant, club and bar owners in Zona 1 get creative and more fully take advantage of the eclectic tastes of the local population and ever-present herd of travelers. The continuous success, with Guatemalans and foreigners alike, of distinctive, low-key nightspots suggests that a steady bill of reggaeton, splashed with a night of salsa, may not be the only way to attract a crowd. Please, think of the kittens and form resolutions accordingly.

Moving on, I have stepped out of the closet as a gringo – although I haven’t yet told my parents – and understand that it is my duty to wield the mighty XelaWho sword with the hope of provoking change that bumbling behemoth I call home. So for starters, as an alternative to the recent amendments aiming to legally render marriage a heterosexual country club, I have proposed that the U.S. government introduce a mandatory, federally-funded six month honeymoon of travel in a developing country before any marriage can be formalized.

The current fuss is ostensibly about preserving relationships, particularly state-sanctioned ones, and you all should know there is no better way to learn about the strengths, weaknesses, perspectives, idiosyncracies, neuroses and meltdown points of your partner than by making hundreds of mundane decisions together every day in unfamiliar environments.

No feedback from Capitol Hill yet, but I expect it soon.

On a final note, let’s all try to actually trot out the clichés we hit on every New Year. After all, they cease to be clichés if nobody has to talk about them anymore. So even if you don’t lose ten pounds or drop the cigarettes, be good to each other (or at least to me) and yourselves, and Happy New Year.

DECEMBER 2006

Decking the Halls

Christmas has always held a special place in my heart. Any sort of bacchanalian feast where you stuff yourself full of food and drink to the point of immobility, sleep, then wake up to repeat the process is fine my me. I don’t even mind all the Jesus stuff, as long as it doesn’t detract from the main focus: me, and the giving of presents thereto.

Christmas (or Xmas, if you want to get non-denominational about it) means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Being Australian, for me it holds memories of baking hot days, cold seafood salads, cold beers from the esky, backyard cricket and televised sporting events where you don’t really care about the outcome.

I guess readers from colder climates have memories of snowy landscapes, open fires, egg nog and baked meat products.

But wherever you’re from and whatever you believe in, Xmas is generally associated with family... maybe you’ve noticed an unusual amount of your friends who just happen to be flying home around now, and you can be sure that business in the cheap phone call joints will start to look up this month.

And just like traveling gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself, it also gives us the chance to surround ourselves with another family - friends who we genuinely want to spend time with, as opposed to that uncle who wheels out the same jokes year after year.

One of the sadder aspects of our disjointed society is that we need occasions like Xmas to hang our emotions on, and to tell our loved ones that we respect and appreciate them.

It’s a fine thing, and lord knows that we need a little ritual in our lives, but it would be nice to think that we could take a little of the overload of seasonal goodwill and spread it out through the year.

Whatever you do and however you choose to celebrate, be kind to each other, people, and enjoy the tamales.

NOVEMBER 2006

Vote Early, Vote Often

If it weren’t for all the public works projects suddenly, magically getting completed, you could be forgiven for not realizing that we’ve entered an election year.

Now, for all you people who come from countries where the voter turnout is generally higher for “American Idol” than for your presidential elections, we thought we might have little rundown on what democracy actually is.

It’s basically the process of giving poor people the illusion of choice while concentrating power in the hands of a homogenous elite, who are then controlled by faceless corporate interests. My main man Mao had a pithier way of putting it: Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

Representative democracy, the term most often applied to the Guatemalan system (after “Capitalist kleptocracy” and “god-awful mess”) was invented much later, mainly so that Political Science students could think they were witty by making placards saying things like “Representative Democracy is Neither”.

Democracy is a funny thing. Ha ha. So important that it’s worth invading countries to impose institutions with no historical foundation and little public support and yet so trivial that the US Supreme Court can stop a vote count because, well, nobody cares that much, right?

Every four years or so, political pundits take time off their busy schedule reporting presidential blowjobs to mock Guatemalan democracy. It’s an easy target, but bear this in mind: all those little “glitches” in the system – branch stacking, vote buying, ballot box stuffing, gerrymandering – are all euro/anglo/gringo inventions that were imported and, like sham religions, venereal diseases and driving ridiculously oversized SUVs around urban areas, found widespread acceptance here.

Studying Guatemalan politics is easy. In practical terms, the entire political spectrum ranges from Center Right to Extreme Right. There’s a less-than-dazzling array of chickenshit minor parties who we can ignore from the get go and four major players.

So. For all you people considering taking out Guatemalan citizenship and voting in the upcoming elections, here’s a little rundown on your options:
FRG: Having been lead by two internationally recognized criminals in the past (Alfonso “take the money and run” Portillo and Efrain “scorched earth policy” Rios Montt) seems no impediment for this feisty troop on the extreme right. In fact, if the Spanish turn out to be as ineffectual as they look, Rios Montt may be back for another bite on the apple. Woo hoo.
UNE: OK. These guys do call themselves Center Rightists, but last election’s massive corruption scandal pretty much rules them out as serious contenders.
GANA: They say they’re Centrists, but you can expect more of the same conservative neoliberalist fun and games from these guys. Plenty of experience, highly organized – one to watch.
PAN: Possibly the most moderate of the parties, PAN is lead by a new guy, Luis Asturias, who, while seeming more transparent and less corrupt than the others, is most often charged with inexperience.

The current President, Oscar Berger, was with PAN until – not unlike a Cancun-based springbreaker on a crystal meth binge – he started hopping parties ‘til he found one that took him where he needed to go.

Berger has been relatively untouched by corruption allegations and other scandals during his term, a result that most analysts ascribe to the fact that he really hasn’t done much of anything at all.

Let the games begin.

OCTOBER 2006

It's only one o'clock! Where's everyone going?

On the 2nd of August 2004, the Guatemalan party scene was dealt a deathblow. That was the date that the Dry Law (La Ley Seca) came into effect, and it became illegal to sell alcohol between 1 and 7am, except on special holidays.

The official reason was that it was to reduce street crime, but now, over two years later, we haven’t seen any great change in crime statistics.

Maybe the criminals we really have to worry about are out smoking crack on street corners and cruising around in hotted up cars, instead of dancing the night away in some discoteca.

Now, anybody who’s been keeping an eye on the prohibition issue over the last, say, 500 years can tell you what happens when you prohibit a product that is in demand. The Black Market steps in.

And that’s exactly what did happen. “After Parties” sprang up all over town - some so brazen that they openly advertised. At first, the bars just locked their doors and let people stay, but then private houses started opening up - clandestine bars that opened at 1am. Fire exits? Security Staff? Sanitation Control? Taxes paid?

Um, no.

So, now the question came as to how these places could operate outside of the law so freely, and the answer was obvious and natural: money was changing hands.

And the irony of all this is that the official police line is that, being that everybody’s theoretically in bed by say, 1:30, we only need a token police presence on the streets between 2 and 7am.

So there you have it, folks. The cops won’t close down the after parties, nor will they be patrolling the streets when people are leaving those parties at 3, 4 or 5 in the morning.

And that doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster at all.

SEPTEMBER 2006

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

Dust off your cowboy boots, people - it’s fair time again in Quetzaltenango. If you want to get technical about it, we’re talking about La Feria Internacional de Independencia. First held back in 1884 in the Canton San Nicolas, the fair has had various homes over the years, but in 1984, to celebrate its centenary, the fairgrounds - CEFEMERQ - were constructed just out of town, and it’s been held there ever since.
The tone of the whole setup has changed over the years, too - way back when, there were traditional games like chasing greased pigs (los coches encebados), balancing on ropes (la tamba del Diablo) and climbing greased poles (el palo encebado), along with parades through the city by the various tradespeople, social dances, horse races and beauty pageants.
That last part has survived, and grown. This year just some of the titles being contested are: Little Miss Quetzaltenango, Little Miss Maya, Miss Quetzaltenango, Miss Maya, Miss Indigenous, Miss Sports and our favorite, Miss Municipal Employee.
Out at the fairgrounds, the entertainment has become slightly earthier, too. You can expect the same sort of shooting gallery, sideshow games that are found all over the world, alongside food stalls (traditional and junk), rides, random concerts and the scariest Ferris Wheel you’re ever likely to ride.
The action goes from morning to midnight, from the 12th to the 17th, with crowds getting craziest on the main day, the 15th.
One special feature of the week is the free concert held on Independence Eve, the 14th, with bands playing everything from Marimba to Rock (see our Special Zip Out Supplement for details). At midnight, the mayor gives a long-ass speech known as the “grito de independencia” - independence shout - (which is not nearly as entertaining as a “grito ranchero”, but then you can’t have everything), church bells are rung all over town and then the fun starts up again.
CEFEMERQ is located just out of town, past Trigales on the Perefrico. The Municipality will be providing transport from near the Parque Benito Juárez on the days of the Feria.
See you there!

AUGUST 2006

Happy Birthday to Us

We here at XelaWho like to keep things low key.
Ahem. Let me try that again, this time with a bit of sincerity.
XelaWho magazine, generally accepted as a world leader in self-promotion would like to take some special time out this month to blow our own bugle just that little bit harder.
What you are looking at is our First Anniversary Special.
What’s so Special about it? Nothing. Except for the fact that we’ve managed to plaster on the plastic smile and pump out our now-familiar brand of vaguely informative horsedung for a year now.
A whole year. Imagine that.
It hasn’t been easy. But then again, we haven’t been busting our asses teaching English, either. Let’s just say it’s been somewhere in the middle.
We’ve survived hurricanes, bad debts, shonky print jobs, been offered bribes (which we readily accepted), received threats (which we fearfully ignored). It’s even been suggested that we change our underwear more frequently (an item that's definitely on the agenda for our next Strategic Planning Meeting).
We’ve spawned a mini-imitator, something we like to call XelaWho Lite. In terms of the Guatemalan business scene, there is no higher mark of success.
Who woulda thunk it?
People often ask if I produce XelaWho alone, and I say yes, which is, of course, a massive lie. Filling the spaces between all these ads is harder than it looks and full, belated credit goes to the following: photographers Andrew Huckins and Vicky Clarke, graphic artists Zaira Hernández and Pablo Armas (from Lunes Cansados), image crunchers Pedro and Carlos Valdez from Infinito Internet, regular trekking guru and Quetzaltrekker Rick Stewart and a revolving cast of blow-ins and one hit wonders like Kevin “Galen” Huckins, John Walker, Elizabeth Johnson and Adam Garret-Clark.
I guess somebody out there might want to know what big plans we have for the upcoming year.
We don’t have any - we’re just going to keep on cranking out the same sarcastic dribble month after month until we get bored.
Got a problem with that? Start your own magazine, sunshine.

Lucas Vidgen
Big Cheese,
XelaWho Magazine

JULY 2006

Goooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!

JUNE 2006

Xela's Revolving Door Keeps on Spinning

“Living” in a tourist town like Xela is weird. One of the great things is always making new friends - the flip side being constantly saying goodbye to old ones.

This endless hello/goodbye is, of course, an excellent excuse for beer drinking (yeah, like we need an excuse…) and it doesn’t really matter that eventually nearly everybody comes back. That just means more beer drinking.

This month marks a particularly poignant moment for us at XelaWho, as we say goodbye to one of our Master Cylinders: Andrew Huckins.

Andrew joined us as a photographer in the early days and his insightful, concise commentaries (“Dude. That section is so lame.”) did more to formulate the XelaWho style than he will ever know.

His steadfast work ethic and willingness to hang around the office after hours chatting up the women in the typing pool were an inspiration to us all.

Over the months, Andrew navigated the bureaucracy and office politics of the XelaWho organization and rose up through the ranks, finally taking over as Editor in Chief when the rest of the editorial team went slacking off around South America.

And he did a better job than the rest of us put together, the little smartass.

Andrew Huckins: slightly above-average photographer, woeful speller, total pants bandit - we’ll miss you, buddy.

Until you come back, that is, you predictable little monkey.

MAY 2006

For Those About to Rock/Samba/Flamenco/Jazz, We Salute You

If you’re reading this anytime after the 6th of May, chances are you’ve missed out. Big Time. That’s the date for this year’s Xela Music Festival, organized by the Aliance Francaise and sponsored by a variety of local businesses.

This year’s kind of special - it marks the 25th anniversary since the first such festival was held in France, with the idea of promoting awareness of the diversity and strength of the local music scene.

The idea spread quickly, first through Europe, but now, every year at around this time, similar events are held everywhere from Africa to our very own Quetzaltenango.

The festival first came to Xela three years ago and was pretty much an instant success. But then, how could a series of free, open air concerts fail?

Quetzaltenango is often called Guatemala’s “cradle of culture”, but the irony operating here is that precious few venues offer space for live musician to perform, and those that do seem to stick to a fairly rigid selection of styles.

The festival seeks to rectify the situation by throwing open its arms to musicians from all over the country and abroad, playing a variety of styles. This year there’ll be over 25 groups participating, playing everything from marimba to cumbia to rock in Quiche to punk. The majority of acts are from Xela, which begs the question: where do these guys play the rest of the year?

The Xela Music Festival kicks off with a parade from Central Park at 3pm. Bands will be playing along 14 Av “A”, 1 Calle (both of which will be blocked off for the day) and inside the Municipal Theater.

APRIL 2006

The Week of Holy Mosh Pits

If you are like us at XelaWho, Semana Santa will conjure up images of past Holy Weeks, large, pained looking plastic JCs and the accompanying, explosion-induced deafness. Guatemala, where the yearly firework consumption almost exceeds that of tortillas, is actually rather a nice place to spend Holy Week. The best part: compared to most places there is a minimal amount of violence associated with the whole ordeal. Listen to some of these traditions:

In the Philippines gaggles of hooded gents called Flagellants get nailed to crosses as a demonstration of their penance. Those not excited by the whole nails through the hands bit may opt for choice B: giving oneself a good whipping. I guess confession in a little wooden booth is too passé.

Or, how about Poland, where there exists a tradition of abusing helpless effigies of Judas. Kids hurl their mock Judas from the church’s steeple and drag them through their village, while thoroughly crippling poor Juda with sticks and stones, and then, “drown” them in the closest river or pond.

Czech tradition condones a process called Pomlazka which is meant to revitalize, cleanse and assure prosperity in the year to come: spanking. Nowadays, it’s mostly only the young male population who observes it. They see in it an opportunity to sing Easter carols, collect colorfully painted eggs and pants their neighborhood crushes.

So, enjoy Guatemala. Because from crowd surfing your way around Antigua, dodging Torritos in the capital or just sticking it out here in Xela, the closest you’ll most likely come to pain and suffering is paying higher prices. You’ll manage somehow. And, in all seriousness, every one of us is fortunate not only to be in a place that has such beautiful traditions but also to be allowed to partake in them.

MARCH 2006

All Bow to the Man with the Stamp

Now that we are through another sprint of make believe fat men and mandatory S.O. smooching we can look to the future and new beginnings. For us at Xela Who and some of the rest of you loiterers this means it’s time for a date with Mr. Border to feel the kiss of the visa stamp on our passports once again.

Unfortunately it is an unsaid law that everyone involved in the tri-monthly border ritual is underpaid, over intoxicated and thinks that you are to blame for a country wanting to build 8 thousand miles of wall to keep them out. The concept would seem not too difficult; stamp out, stamp in, but somehow our friends at the border manage to prove their creative ingenuity by inventing a new tax, bi-law, fine or other official mishap that incites dreams of spending sleepless nights in jaoñ with only tortillas to sleep on.

The pointlessness of the procedure, the 72 mandatory hours of being outside the country’s borders and the invented or over-looked rules are a constant “delight’’ and always made official by the finality of that stamp and the accompanying scribbled initials. One traveler we talked to somehow ended up with an exit stamp but no re-entrance stamp, another got his index fingers scanned only to have the information attached to his friends passport and yet another writes a new profession in every immigration questionnaire, proving once and for all that no one’s looking with the entrée “gun-trafficer”.

And, look, lets be honest, are they really so preoccupied with illegal immigrants coming from Europe in search of a “better life” in Central America? Has anyone you know ever paid a coyote to smuggle them from the States into Mexico? What have we done to deserve such an inane annoyance? I say no more penalties for staying longer than a few months. I say let’s make the borders more like fast food drive-throughs. I say crack down on the real culprits of corruption, warmongering and dictatorship, not North Americans or Europeans. After all, we’ve been so accommodating when Latin Americans want to come visit us…

FEBRUARY 2006

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Receipts...

Valentine’s Day is a lot like Christmas when you think about it - an officially sanctioned day for expressing yourself. But where Christmas is for people to show their love of Christ (or food, or consumerism, or getting drunk, or sleeping), Feb 14 for most Anglo Saxons is all about telling the one you love that you, uh, love them.

Of course, there are people who opt out of the deal, saying that they express their love every day and don’t need a specially manufactured holiday to do so.

These people are called Hippies, and are not to be trusted, nor to be taken as experts on anything except: a) Home made dairy product manufacture; b) Backyard haircuts; and c) Long, circular conversations that are more likely to be called something like “share sessions”.

Back on planet Earth, the rest of us are stuck on this goddamn treadmill that will see us, at some point this month, trailing around a shopping mall, searching for the piece of mass-produced, made in China pap that expresses not only our individuality but also our utter devotion to our One Special Person.

I can feel the bile rising even as I type this.

But spare a thought for the Guatemalans in this ordeal - for them, Valentine’s Day isn’t just about the person that you’re knocking boots with; their definition of “love” on the day is exponentially wider, and takes in friends, family, workmates, school friends - pretty much anybody who they haven’t had a machete fight with in the last couple of weeks.

You can imagine the amount of flowers, cards, chocolates and other corny guff that gets flung around on the day.
So this is just a heads up - don’t be surprised if the guy in your hotel wishes you a Happy Valentine’s Day (or maybe you should be, depending on where you’re staying). It’s not a come on - just a simple declaration of friendship and well-wishing.

Maybe.

JANUARY 2006

The XelaWho Wish List

Well, I dunno about you guys, but 2005 was a pretty good year for me. I’m kind of sad to see it go. Maybe 2006 will be even better. Or maybe I’m just being greedy. Anyway. I was thinking about making some resolutions this year, but really, what’s the point? I never keep them. So instead I’m going to make some resolutions for everybody else in the world, so then they can not keep them, but at least I won’t feel like I’ve let myself down again. Number one on my list is…

ENOUGH WITH THE DOUBLE TALK, ALREADY

Look… if you’re in Guatemala to get laid and take cheap drugs THAT’S FINE. There’s really no need to pretend that you’re all interested in studying the Mayan calendar all of a sudden. Likewise, if you want to open a Spanish School to make some cash, do it. Don’t invent some project that doesn’t even exist to make it look like you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart. And if you want to invade a small country just to steal its oil, say so. Don’t come up with all this hooey about democracy and National Security. It’s embarrassing and you’re not fooling anybody. Which reminds me…

WHAT’S UP WITH THIS WAR BUSINESS, ANYWAY?

I may be going way out on a limb here, but doesn’t solving complex political, social and racial problems by basically throwing stuff at each other seem just a tad primitive? Even if we are constantly developing newer and deadlier things to throw and newer and fancier ways of throwing them, surely we can do better on this one, people. Which segues nicely into my next point, namely…

ENDING WORLD HUNGER

I dunno… I just felt like a Miss World contestant all of a sudden, and I think this is a required response. But seriously, if we do have to settle our differences by firing off all this stuff at each other, can’t we make food fights the UN accepted mode of conflict resolution?

Who amongst Saddam’s victims would not relish the opportunity to unleash a few well-aimed cream pies into his face? And won’t the news headlines be slightly happier? US Army Accidentally Bombards Wedding Party With 90,000 Hot Dogs. Villagers Call For Ketchup, Braised Onions, or Extremists Explode 400 Pound Can of Spam Outside Crowded Market. Shards of Processed Meat Cover Surrounding Neighborhoods.

Think about it, folks. That’s all I ask.

XelaWho Magazine. The name you can trust for flippant answers to the tough questions.

DECEMBER 2006

Where are All the Reindeer, Mummy?

Xmas in Guatemala. Yeah. Rock on. If you’re thinking that all “Christian” countries do this thing the same way, think again. There are some similarities, but things go very sideways at times, too.

You can, for example, rely on the capitalist onslaught on the part of the shopping malls. These guys have no qualms about starting the whole shebang up to two months in advance. Perhaps you have a already noticed an abundance of tinsel, plastic trees and Santa cap related paraphernalia. We must warn you - this is not all. The specter of Marimba versions of your favorite Christmas Carols is very, very real, people.

The family get together is another big feature, the difference here being that it generally goes down on the night of Christmas Eve.

And from here things tend to get very Guatemalan. Every country seems to have its Christmas food, and in Guatemala that would be the tamale, and plenty of them. Last year I think I downed about ten in one day (t