XelaWho Magazine: Ask Doctor Sabelotodo

The good Doctor answers your questions about life in Guatemala

Dear Dr. Sabelotodo,

I visited a Mayan village in the mountains last week and noticed that nearly all the chickens were wearing socks. Considering most of the children were without socks or shoes, I found this more than a little bit puzzling. What gives?

Chicken Confusion

Dear Chicken Confusion,
Like the distinction between the English abbreviations for page (p.) and pages (pp.), Spanish plurals double the first letter of each word. Since Spanish adjectives describing plural nouns are themselves made plural, we’re left with the awkwardly repetitive and vowel-rich “E.E.U.U."

Dear Dr. Sabelotodo,

I noticed that the United States is abbreviated “E.E.U.U.” in Spanish. As far as I can tell, Los Estados Unidos only has one “e” and one “u.” I can understand the double “e” because los estados implies more than one estado, but why two “u”s? Doesn’t the very nature of unidos require that there be only one?
~Stumped Spanish Student

Stumped Spanish Student

Dear Stumped Spanish Student,
Like the distinction between the English abbreviations for page (p.) and pages (pp.), Spanish plurals double the first letter of each word. Since
Spanish adjectives describing plural nouns are themselves made plural, we’re left with the awkwardly repetitive and vowel-rich “E.E.U.U.”

Dear Dr. Sabelotodo,

I’ve been keeping up with my current events in Guatemala, so I know that the national elections were held on September 9th. So why isn’t there a new president? People have told me there’s something called a segunda vuelta. Is that the same kind of vuelta that the men ask me to do at soccer games?
Speculative Spectator

Dear Speculative Spectator,
Unlike the United States, Guatemalan presidential elections have two parts: the primera vuelta culls the aspiring presidential herd to two and the segunda vuelta determines which of the two candidates will go on to rob Guatemala of …cough…become president. According to the Prensa Libre, Alvaro Colom (UNE) won 28% of the vote on September 9th, followed by Otto Perez-Molina (Partida Patriota) with 24% and Alejandro Giammattei with 17%. Accordingly, Colom will square off against Perez-Molina on November 4th. Let the propaganda continue.

Dear Dr. Sabelotodo,

I don’t get it. The road signs read “Quetzaltenango,” but everyone tells me I’m in Xela. But if I’m in Xela, then why is the city’s anthem called Luna de Xelajú? Where am I really?
Identity Crisis

Dear Identity Crisis,
In Pre-Columbian times, the Mam indigenous group called the city “Xelajú,” which was derived from “Xe laju’ noj,” meaning “under the ten mountains.” In the 1520’s, Spanish conquistador Pedro de Alvarado defeated and killed Tecum Uman and renamed the city "Quetzaltenango” – meaning “the place of the quetzal bird” – a Nahuatl name used by his Central Mexican indigenous allies. Thereafter, Quetzaltenango became the city’s official name, but locals, especially the indigenous, usually refer to it as Xelajú, in deference to their ancestors, or Xela for short.

Dear Dr. Sabelotodo,
I’ve been in Guatemala 3 months now and my visa is about to expire. People here say it´s not a drama - I just have to do a “visa run”. Can you please explain?

Anxious Ex-Pat

Dear Illegal Alien,
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your decision to flaunt local immigration laws. The good doctor has friends who have been popping out of the country every few months since time immemorial - the most impressive stint being 13 years.
The bad news is that Guatemala is now part of CA4, which should be a boy band, but is actually a trade agreement between Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras and Nicaragua. Part of CA4 guarantees freedom of movement of goods and people throughout the region, so if you’re an Alannis Morrisette fan, you’ll probably think it’s ironic that the same agreement actually makes it harder for tourists to get around. Previously, we were allowed 90 days in any of the 4 countries, renewable simply by sliding over the border. Now we’re only allowed 90 days in the entire region, which brings me to your question.
The classic destination for a border run from Xela is Mexico, both because of its proximity and because they have cheaper beer than the Belizeans. The first thing to note while on a visa run is that leaving Guatemala by land, there is no Departure Tax. Border officials will, however, often charge Q10 “departure tax”. Confusing, but simple: Paying a Departure Tax, you know the money you’ve spent goes toward building schools, hospitals, etc. Paying “departure tax”, on the other hand, guarantees the immigration official and his friends an extra beer after work.
It’s up to you to if you want to pay your Q10, but bear this in mind: coming back from Mexico, if you use the same border crossing and haven’t been out of Guatemala for (the legally required, but universally ignored) three days, you may bump into the same border official, who will not have forgotten you, and will ask you to pay an “entry tax”. This will be substantially more expensive than the “departure tax”.
The smart thing to do is either chill in Mexico for three days or use different border crossings to exit and enter. The other possibility is going to Immigration in Guatemala City, filling out the forms and waiting around a day and a half for a 90 day visa extension, a plan so obviously riddled with imperfections that the good doctor prescribes it to no one.

Dear Dr. Sabeletodo,
I keep getting woken up by fireworks going off in the early morning. Am I missing some sort of national celebration?

Culturally Aware

Dear Dr. Sabeletodo,
I’ve noticed that a lot of trees here are painted white at the base. Back home, we paint a big white “X” on a tree we’re about to cut down. What’s going on?

Concerned

Dear Party Pooper,
Fear not. If there were a national celebration going on you, would be waking up with the feeling that you had been teleported to the Israeli-Lebanese border. Most baffling to the good doctor are the 5am Mothers’ Day fireworks. In the quaint, conservative country where I come from, Mothers’ Day usually means breakfast in bed for the old dear, some flowers, maybe a present. Here we like to get things cooking with a round of pre-dawn wall-shakers. Just to show our appreciation for dear old ma, you understand.
Anyway. Those random, isolated explosions that you are hearing are just a bit of fun. And really, given the grinding poverty and questionable air quality here, what better way to use your disposable income than by filling the air with acrid smoke?

Dear Tree Hugger,
Relax. They paint the trees white to make them more visible to motorists. Think about it: In a place where not even big metal domes in the middle of the road prevent lane-drifting and where you need five guys yelling “¡Dale!” to parallel park (and the good doctor is yet to ascertain if you’re allowed to take those guys along with you on your driving test), the trees need all the help they can get.
An added bonus of painting the trees is that it helps distinguish them from pedestrians who, I’m sure you will have noticed, are fair game for any passing motorist.