DAVE'S PAST RAVES...

MAY 2007

• San Pedro La Laguna, Sololá: Thousands of hippies can’t be wrong. Well, not about this, anyway

• El Estor, Izabal: A lake, some mountain views and a sweet little town - what else do you need?

• El Remate, Petén: You may have to wade through the yogaphiles, but the sunsets are awesome

• Tilapita, Retalhuleu: A one hotel beach town? Enough said

• Barton Creek Outpost, Cayo: Pitch a tent, string a hammock, grab a mattress - it doesn’t matter, this place is awesome

• Caye Caulker, Belize: The backpackers’ fave is still coming up with the goods

• Barranco, Toledo: Good thing those Garifuna love to chat - there’s nothing else to do here

• Hopkins, Stann Creek: Three streets, one beach and a whole lotta hammocks

Papusas: If you haven’t ever had a papusa, take a moment to reevaluate your life. Then head to La Demo, Parque Calvario, or the southeast corner of Parque Central, and enjoy one of these corn tortillas filled with cheese, bean and/or pork skin. You have a better chance of finding them later in the day.

Enchiladas: Also found in Parque Central and sometimes on 6a Calle east of the park, these tostadas, covered with mixed vegetables, soy product or beets, are a great, cheap snack.

Elote: Ask the woman behind the corn cart for “maiz,” and you’ll get a confused look, maybe even a backhand slap. It’s elote, people. This corn on the cob, to be found in Parque Central or La Demo, comes in a variety of sizes and colors and should never be covered with a polluting layer of mayonnaise. Be firm about this.

Rellenos de platano: Talk about rich. These platanos are sliced, filled with beans, and coated in cream, and are a good idea if you’re looking to get pleasantly bloated and take a nap. They can be found in Parque Central, while a slight variation is offered on the corner by Teatro Municipal.

Bebidas: All this munching is going to make you thirsty, and street food vendors won’t disappoint. Fresh-squeezed orange juice is available all over the place, and arroz con leche – rice milk, found in every market – is a sweet offering that’s almost a meal in and of itself. Step into the indoor markets at Parque Central or La Demo and check out the licuados or atol de elote, a sweet, thick corn-based beverage.

There you have it. Everything should cost between Q3 and Q7; enjoy it at your own risk.

POOL & BEER

Players, astute students of Daveology will have noted on these pages before that the D man devoted a not insignificant portion of his teenage years to the gentlemanly art of billiards. He got pretty good at it, too. There was a time when even the sight of the Davelicious One lining up a bank shot into the corner pocket would leave no lady in the room undampened (sorry, mum).

It was during these formative years that the D train developed the concept of The Zone - a mystical region somewhere between two and five beers where you’re relaxed enough to become one with the pool cue, but not so spazzy messy that you lose all coordination.

And so that’s why the Dubious One is giving a big shout out to Xela’s newest bar this month. This place has everything that you could want in a pool bar - good tables, straight cues, warm lighting and enough beer in the fridge to keep you in The Zone all night.

And the best thing is that it shares a kitchen with one of Snoop Davey Dave’s favorite Italian restaurants, Portofino, so the menu gets the double thumbs up.

Rack ‘em up, suckers.

Pool & Beer is at 12 Av 10-21, Zone 1. Hours are 9am to 1pm and 3pm to Midnight

LAS ORQUIDEAS

Listen up, players: There was exactly on thing missing from the Xela culinary scene and that thing was this - A Thai Restaurant.
Not that the Dave-o-Matic 5000 has anything against a constant diet of beans, eggs and tortillas: Oh, no. But still. Who’s gonna pass up a little coconut curry every now and then? Who amongst us is not secretly lusting after a good pad thai?
Not this chubby little ferang, let me tell you.
All your Thai favorites are here - green curry, noodle dishes, stir fry chicken with basil, and available in vegetarian or carnivore options.
Las Orchídeas does it all in style - a small, good menu with some excellent dishes, set in a lovely courtyard right on 4 Calle.
And make sure you leave room for dessert… sticky rice and papaya… now that’s a sweet, sweet deal.

Las Orchideas is at 4 Calle, 15-45, inside the Casa los Balcones. Hours are 7:30 to 11am and 5 to 9 pm Tuesday to Saturday.

EL PANORAMA

Now, let it be said from the start that the Davemeister is a City Boy and the whole “let’s walk up mountains” thing leaves him a little cold, especially since you just have to turn around and walk back down again.

But the Dave-o-Matic 5000 is willing to make exceptions, and the hike to La Panorama is just one such case. It’s really only a 15 minute walk, but the view is killer - people look like ants from up there, and the ants… you can’t even see them.

The Dubious One’s third-hand hearsay-based research indicates that this place is run by a real live Swiss guy, which would explain why there’s so much raclette on the menu, and also why the bathrooms are so clean.

La Panorama is up the hill at the south end of 13 Av. Go past the right side of the little park, keep going up, and turn right when you see “Alquimista” painted on a rock.
Hours are 5 to 10 pm Wednesday to Saturday and 1 to 10 pm weekends.

BIG DAVE’S BUFFET MUNCHFEST

For the D Man, the words “All You Can Eat” trip the same neurological triggers as the words “Teenage Ecstasy Party” do for a sex addict. The saliva starts running, the hands begin to tremble. Dancin’ Dave just can’t help himself. So the D Train has taken it upon Himself this month to rock around town, gorging himself to the point of immobility, just to bring you, the reader, the juice on Xela’s buffet scene. Now that’s what the Davelicious One calls research.

Maxim’s (cnr 20 Av & 3 Calle, Zone 3: lunch or dinner buffet daily, Q40) One of the mellower Chinese joints around, Maxim’s used to rock a little harder back when it was downtown and you could cruise in, grab an MSG fix and slide out again in under an hour. The Zone 3 option still floats boats, though, especially if you’re in the market for some of that black bean, fried rice and wonton action.

La Villa Steak House (cnr 19 Av & 4 Calle, Zone 3: breakfast or lunch buffet daily, Q32) The Villa scores about a 1 on the Dave-o-meter, class-wise (but since when has “all you can eat” been about class?), but the breakfast gets your motor running for the whole day - eggs, sausages, chicken and plenty of fruit. Lunchtimes the whole scene gets very meaty; the roast pork coming personally recommended by the D - man.

Baviera II (22 Av, 4-49, Zone 3: breakfast buffet Fridays, Q50) His Daveliness has long been a fan of the Baviera breakfast (and their coffee), and now it’s all laid out for you to sample. And sample again. And sample again. And… well, you get the idea. The sweet courtyard setting and live jazz band seal the deal for big D.

Hotel Bonifaz (cnr 11 Av & 4 Calle, Zone 1: breakfast buffet Sundays, Q60) The Davelicious One does not, as a rule, hang out in snooty hotels, but he is willing to make exceptions in extreme circumstances. And the Bonifaz buffet is one such circumstance. Frijoles con chicharrón, French Toast, baked eggs and four types of fresh juice. But really - hasn’t anyone heard of bacon in this town?

CUBATENANGO

Dude. Let it be clear from the outset that His Daveliness is one salsa dancin’, domino slappin’, rum chuggin’, Cohiba puffin’ compay. The Davelicious One is, in short, down with all things Cuban.
He’s even been known to employ inflatable seacraft to avoid immigration procedures.
So this month His Daveliness is giving big ups to this new little place. Snoop Davey Dave thought that he had left the joys of congri, ropa vieja and tostones behind last time he flew out of La Habana.
But oh, how wrong he was. It’s all here, and more. Authentic Cuban flavors, with a bit of Miami spice thrown in, at prices that might make your man Che rethink his whole spiel on private enterprise.

Cubatenango is at 19 Av 2-06, Zone 1. Hours are 7:30am to 9pm Monday to Saturday.

IL GIARDINO

Dude. The Davelicious One’s 12 years as a university student provided him with many invaluable Life Skills, and one of the things that he came to realize was that pizza has all of the vitamins and nutrients necessary for human survival. As the Daverooly is fond of saying, a slice is nice. And, by logical extension, TWO slices is even nicer.
So it is with only slight trepidation that the D train throws down his award for the best pizza in Xela. Il Giardino, you have officially floated Big Dave’s boat.
But how could they go wrong? These players are from the same family that runs the Supermercado Sardi (see Dave’s Rave, September 2005), so you know that the ingredients and the recipes are autenticos.
As the name might suggest if you were as multilingual as Dancin’ Dave, this place is set up in a leafy little garden space, and there’s a good range of Other Stuff on the menu.

Il Giardino is at 19 callejon 8-07, Zone 1, just the other side of Las Flores market. Hours are 10am to 10 pm Wednesday to Monday.

KIOSKO ASADOS LA VILLA

Dude. There are times when the Big D just doesn’t feel like tearing into big chunks of barely cooked flesh. Like when he’s asleep, for example. The rest of the time, the Davelicious one is both up for it and down with it.

This place rates about a 1 for ambience on the Daveometer. During the day, it’s a fairly average all-you-can-eat joint. At night, they close the restaurant, put plastic tables out the front and fire up the barbecue.

This is where the fun begins. Juicy imported steaks come flying at you, hot off the coals, accompanied by every sort of side dish you could ever want. These aren’t those thin, chewy morsels that pass for “bifstek” in most restaurants - they’re the real deal. And for Q40 a pop, Dangerous Dave says: Let the Blood Run Free.

Asados La Villa is on the corner or 4th Calle and 19 Avenida in Zone 3. Hours are 4:30pm to 10:30pm nightly.

THE IUBER SKATE PARK

Dude. It’s been a while since Big Dave got some of that nose-grinding, rail sliding, ollie flipping 540 action. An unfortunate chin-to-sidewalk type incident dampened his enthusiasm for the whole skateboarding scene.

But checking out the ramps, rails and halfpipes at this sweet little skate complex just out of town kinda makes His Daveliness wanna grab a deck and carve out a couple of fakeys just for old time’s sake.

The Iuber Skate Park is 15 minutes out of Xela, just past Salcaja. Catch any Toto-bound busfrom the rotunda and get off at the Texaco gas station, which is next door. Hours are 10am-8pm Tuesday to Sunday and entry costs Q20 for all day use.

Dude, check it out: Xela is not by the ocean. The ocean isn’t even within 20 minutes walking distance, which means that D-stuff won’t be venturing there any time soon. But check this out: you can get seafood here in Xela. I know, I know; hold onto your guidebooks.

And I’m not talking about the spacefood-like, salted and dried market variety of seafood either but the real thing. Did you see that: Daveman’s hitting you with the one two. First the “Xela isn’t by the ocean,” and then in with “But you can get seafood in Xela”. Ha ha - brilliantisimos!

So, if you’ve got a craving to eat little pink creatures, like I do, come on down to…

RUSTICHELA'S

D-Cat had to use all his Ship Sim ’99 navigational skills to find the little black door and behind a booty of shrimp, squid and fish Ceviches (starting at Q25). You know what I’m talking about? A Ceviche is a seafood soup, served cold in red sauce, overflowing with all kinds of salt-water beings.

Rustichela has other soups and meals, but Ceviches are their especiality. That, beers and some tomato drink that The Davester passed up on. Their Ceviche is crammed with awesomeness and the location is exclusive; no running into your Spanish teacher here (chances are he/she isn’t even savvy to it).

The place is naturally lit and perfect for an afternoon in the sun with cold beers and nummy shrimp. In fact, Saturdays there’s live jazz to relax you. (If you’re there give the owner Hans a shout out for Davaroony.) Hot tip: if you put napkins in your ears, the roar of televised soccer games almost sound like waves.

Walk on 16th Avenida into Zona 3. Near Parque Bonito Juarez there’s a building (Deseret) blocking your way; 16th continues on the other side so just skirt it and continue. Rustichelas is on your right just before 16th ends for good. Open every day from 11am ‘til late.

I think it is crystal at this point that Main Man D is one cultured cat. Need there be more proof? Well for all those none believers I’d like it to be said that not only is Big D worldly, but he has a specialty: Oriental food.

I can recite the entire menu of Hong Kong’s All You Can Eat Buffet and I’ve watched most of the endings to Bruce Lee’s flicks. Still don’t believe in the Davaroony’s all encompassing knowledge-ness? Mosey on down to…

COMIDA TAIWANESA

Now, like the yogi in Enter the Dragon said, “simplicity is the art of looking at oneself and flowers.” And that’s exactly what it’s like at C.T. There are a few plastic Zen stools for meditating in the corner but mostly this joint is for the mid-morn/noon/afternoon/night snacker type like the Dave Man D. Not to say it is a restaurant or anything, just four things on the menu and nothing too expensive that 2Q can’t buy.

So, there’s soy milk, little soft cookies in animal shapes conducive to re-enacting my fave episodes of Saved by the Bell, and if empanadas (dough with fresh vegetables inside, fried and doused in soy sauce) don’t shush up your stomach then a little Granizada action might put the fruit topping on the shredded ice dessert, if you get the Davester’s drift.

Recommended is an empanada with extra picante and a cup or two of soy milk at which point D-in-the-house takes a sabbatical to the park to devour his goods and then a return trip for a strawberry granizada dessert. Best part is D-Man can practice his Anime phrases like “I choose you!” or “My mouth is bigger than my head!” Japan and Taiwan speak the same language right?

Nitty Gritty: Comida Taiwanesa is on the corner of 8th Calle and 9th Avenida and is open every day but Sunday from 9:30 to 6:30.

Let the Davemeister break it down for you hard and real: The D man doesn’t eat in tourist restaurants. Homey just don’t play that. If Big Dave wanted overpriced, watered down versions of “international cuisine”, he’d be living in Antigua. Which he isn’t. But still...

The Davelicious One cannot live on tortillas alone. Or churrascos, platanos and frijoles for that matter. Believe him, he has tried. Sometimes the D train needs a little something extra to round out his diet, and at times like these, he heads down to…

LA HOSTERIA

Dude. If you have had the pleasure of the Daverooly’s company, you’ll know by now that he is not the type of player who is prone to exaggeration, hype or any other type of talking it up big time scenario.

The Dubious One calls it like he sees it. And in this case, he would like to point out that La Hosteria pumps out some of the BEST food you will EVER eat ANYWHERE on this planet, or any other one.

MC Davemaster D is reluctant to get into racial profiling, but the cat behind the frypans at this place whips out a tastier fried rice than the Chinese can manage and his Rigatoni leaves the Italians crying for their mamma mias. His Daveliness is not, by nature, a political animal, but he is seriously thinking about getting a petition together to get the Chicken Tikka put back on the menu.

Let us come together people, and fight this noble cause.

THE FINE PRINT: La Hosteria is at 14 Av “A” 3-35 in Zone 1. Opening hours are 4pm to 1am, Monday to Saturday.

Editor’s Note: We regret to inform you that La Hosteria is no longer in operation.

The Davemeister knows what’s going down. He’s a man with his ear to the ground. In fact, some Sunday mornings he can’t remove his ear from the ground, but that’s another story. He knows what people are saying - that the D man spends all his time lolling around in restaurants, scribbling vaguely legible notes in little notepads.

Let me assure you, my backpacking brethren - nothing could be further from the truth. The Hardest Working Dave in Show Business is in fact a very busy man, and sometimes he has no time to stop and eat.

But even when he’s on the run and eating on the street, Snoop Davey Dave demands excellence. Which is why he would like to use this month’s column to pay homage to…

LA PUPUSA

Dude, the Pupusa just flat out rocks. For any Australians out there, this is the closest you’re going to get to a potato cake (alright - scallop for you NSW freaks) for the next 13,000 km. For the rest of you, the Daverooly’s advice is to grab a flight to Oz IMMEDIATELY, eat a potato cake, acknowledge it as the culinary high-water mark of Western Civilization, then come back and continue reading this column.

Done? OK. The Pupusa varies slightly from The Supreme and Almighty potato cake in a couple of ways - it’s made from cornflour instead of potatoes, is cooked on a flat grill rather than deep fried, it isn’t battered and is filled with cheese or pork rind as opposed to being pure potato. Apart from that they’re pretty much IDENTICAL. Good God, I feel like weeping at the simple thought of just how tasty these little suckers are.

THE FINE PRINT: Pupusas are available from roadside stalls from mid morning until late at night. Your best bet for finding one is around the markets, like the Central market or La Democracia. Q5 is the going rate.

AL ANDALUS

They say that brevity is the soul of journalism, and the Davemeister is nothing if not one soulful dude. So check this - my one word review for this place: Paella.

That’s all that needs to be said. Rice, chicken, seafood. Sweet. OK. That’s a wrap, eds. Stick the info in the dorky little section at the end and deposit my Q25 in my bank account whenever you’re ready.

(**Dave: Do they sell anything apart from paella? Eds**)

They do the whole Spanish bit, OK? Lentils with chorizo, sangria, tapas, even those long skinny donuts with hot chocolate.

Alright. I’m out of here. Drop the dorky details, eds.

(**Dave: Please add some detail about the atmosphere. Thanks, eds.**)

Oh, man... What are you guys getting all up in my grill for? Set in a colonial house, with arched Moorish windows, El Andalus is, like, totally romantic, dude. Lunchtime you can lounge it in the patio area and for dinner there’s inside seating. Light up a couple of candles and crank up the flamenco music and you’re pretty much guaranteed some action later on, tiger.

And that really is it. The President of the People’s Republic of Dave has left the building. If you want more stuff you can just make it up yourselves, you goddamn nitpicking wordcounters. And you can keep my Q25 and buy yourselves some fancypants new fonts, too.

Boo Yah. D Man out.

THE FINE PRINT: Al Andalus is on 2a Calle, 14 Av “A”-30. Opening hours are Tuesday to Sunday 9:30am - 9:30pm.

Relax, peeps. The Davemeister is A OK, and hasn’t sustained any major water damage. The D-Man’s 9 years as a first year University student came in handy, too, and spending a week in the house with the electricity cut off, eating instant noodles seemed like a walk down memory lane.

This month, when the clouds cleared, the Big D had to have a band meeting with his hardcore acapella R &B outifit, Dubious Dave and the Slightly Peeved Six, so we headed up to…

EL BALCON DE ENRIQUEZ

Now let it be said from the start that the Davester has a big Jones on for the whole outdoor eating thing. When the weather’s good and the birds are chirping and you’re not getting a lungful of bus diesel every five seconds, there is no better way to scarf down your tacos, IMHO.

The added bonus of this place is that it has an absolutely rocking view out over the central park. So, you can kick back, sip on your Cuba Libre and watch the painstakingly slow progress of the renovation crew.

Tuesday nights this spanking little jazz duo plays. Man, those cats are tight. They may possibly even be whack.

The food’s OK, too – nothing mindblowing, but they do a better than average breakfast. The location’s really the killer here.

Check it out and tell me if I’m lying…

THE DAVELICIOUS ONE’S ONLY GRIPE: Normally, the Daverooly has no problem sharing eating space with a couple of mange ridden parrots that will not shut up, but there’s something about this pair that really gets to me.

If anybody knows a reliable avian hit man who charges reasonable prices, the address is xelawho@gmail.com.

THE FINE PRINT: El Balcon del Enriquez is open 7:30am to midnight daily. Meals cost around 30Q. The entrance is off central park, just to the left of Pasaje Enriquez, where Tecun is.

Take it from the Davemeister. This whole journalism thing can be a real drag. When the D man first got into the game, he was like a lot of starry eyed youngsters – in it for the cars, the jewels, the parties on Diddy’s yacht. But then reality struck. These editors are, like, total hardasses…

Big Dave just about busts a nut putting together 400 words of pure gold and getting them in only a couple of weeks after deadline and before he’s had a chance to hit the sofa for the Bob Spongepants marathon, the goddamn Nazi eds are banging on his door asking for the next column. They’ve even banned the D-Cup from submitting via text message. How backward is that?

Sometimes the Davelicious One thinks about throwing the whole thing in, and going off to stitch soccerballs in Pakistan.

Anyway. Nobody likes a whiner (not even a handsome, elegantly dressed whiner), so I guess I better get raving. This month, big ups to…

SUPERMERCADO SARDI

If there’s one thing that The Daverooly is, that would be down with the Italianos. When Big Dave wants to impress his Special Lady Friend, he lights a couple of candles, uncorks a bottle of vino and whips up a little ristotto al fungi with freshly grated parmesan.

Now, I know what you’re saying – “but MC Davemaster D, we know you rock the house ‘til the break of dawn, but where can we get all this stuff?”

Well, relax, bambinos, and I’ll tell ya:

You gotta get out to the Sardi. These paisanos have got the lot – wines from Italy, Spain, France and Chile, Dutch cheeses, risotto rice, artichoke hearts, a buttload of pastas and olive oil by the gallon.

Everything you need to guarantee a night of sweet, sweet amore, ravin’ Dave style. It’s an offer you can’t refuse.

THE FINE PRINT: Sardi Italian Supermarket is in a little cluster of shops opposite Hotel Pocholo, about 10 minutes out of town on the road to Salcaja. Hours are 9am to 1pm and 3pm to 7pm, daily.

So much to rave about, so little space to do it in. The Davester’s normally superhuman levels of enthusiasm have been peaking out at maximum levels all month, and those famous thumbs have remained pretty much permanently in the upright position.

Check it: The mag is totally kicking ass, the eds have lined up a national distribution deal – A BIG SHOUT OUT TO MY BACKPACKING BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN FLORES, ANTIGUA AND DOWN ON THE LAKE, and the D monster has been getting fan mail. Aw, shucks. But ladies, please - stop sending undergarments.

Or, if you really must, make them size 14. Even the D man has days when he can’t get to the lavanderia.

Anyway. On with the Rave. This month I’d like to give big ups to a place called…

THE BAKE SHOP

Few people know that MC Davemaster D suffers from a debilitating chronic illness commonly known as “the munchies”. Brought on mostly by all-night drinking sessions and other less socially acceptable activities, this horrible condition compels the Davemeister to “munch out”.

Times like these, he heads straight for the Bake Shop, a bakery run by Mennonites*. According to Big Dave’s painstaking research¹, the Mennonites are kind of like the Amish, except they make better donuts².

The munching possibilities here are nearly endless. Choc chip cookies, mini cheese cakes, and the best named munchie food ever, Whoopie Pies. The selection is, as they say in the classics, wicky whack whack.

They also do a good line in granola and wholemeal bread. Even ravin’ Dave likes to eat something healthy now and then³.

THE FINE PRINT: The Bake Shop is at 18 Av 1-40, Zone 3. Hours are 9am-6pm, Tuesday and Friday.

*Editors note: Please be aware that Dave is in way, way over his head here. For serious info on the Mennonites, check www.mennonite.net
1 We shudder to think what “painstaking research” may involve in this context – eds.
2 We did warn you – eds.
3 This is probably the most ridiculous claim in this entire pile of gibberish – eds.

One, two… one, two… howdy y’all – this is Big Dave comin’ at ya from downtown Xela. I guess being that this is my first Rave and all, I should welcome you, and mebbe rap a little bit about what’s going down with this whole Rave thing.

Every month (or until I get deported/my folks stop sending me cash) I’ll be giving big ups to one of my fave places around town. I’ll try to make them not too obvious, and you can be pretty sure they won’t be in your guidebook.

So. That’s the dealy-O. Now, without further ado, sit back and strap yourself in for my very first review, a little something I like to call…

SABOR DE LA INDIA

Dude. Never let it be said that Big Dave doesn’t enjoy a bellyful of Indian food. NEVER. LET. THAT. BE. SAID. Some of ravin’ Dave’s happiest moments have been spent hunkered over a steaming bowl of curry or a thick and spicy dahl.

It warms the Davemeister’s heart, therefore, to announce that Xela now has its very own Indian Restaurant. And that it is a little ripper.

For about Q30 your stomach will be nigh on exploding with your choice of fish, chicken and vegetarian curries, rice, chapattis, etc, etc. The Lhassis are so thick you may just pop a blood vessel trying to drink them through a straw, and if you’re up for breakfast, the D man gives his trademark two thumbs up to the stuffed paranths. They sure stuffed me.

THE FINE PRINT: Sabor de la India is at 2a Calle 15 Av “A”-19, a five or ten minute walk from Central Park. Opening hours are: 11am to 9pm Tuesday to Saturday and 5pm to 9pm Sundays.