by Patrick Billings

When Nebraska High’s Parents and Friends Association dumped this baby in a field, I’m sure they thought its glory days over. But hey, thanks to grinding poverty and an unwavering inconsideration for safety, 30 years later its back…revamped (aesthetically speaking) and Guatemala’s bargain gateway to the world.

That’s right I’m talking about Chicken buses. Ok, ok we’re all a bit sick of the old ice breaker, ¨Ha how about those Chicken buses hey?¨ But I’m from Sydney, Australia, where to great expense the public transport is still shit. I marvel at this model system.

Reborn, the Chicken bus is one of few places in Guatemala, perhaps the world, where you can be turned on under the eyes of Jesus, as girls in bikinis are pasted alongside the Holy Trinity. Not to mention the bump and grind travel or the slippery hands of the ¨conductor¨.

The staff of these crafts of convenience hold a contempt for passengers that would shame New York City bus drivers. And I feel we, the passengers, and 30 tonnes of steel are considered nothing but a hindrance, to the land/speed record attempts by the man at the helm. Certainly we and the steel rarely shape the angles he contends or the speed he nominates. And why should we? Like me he’s probably seen what happens in Gran Turismo when you crash….Nothing, at least legally

Is it just me or do you get the sense after apprehended for various crimes of indecency, the judge said well boys its either 6 years up in Guate or 2 on a chicken bus. This would explain the frantic driving – an effort to drive out the unhealthy carnal thoughts. Or perhaps the speed's an effort to deliver the passengers and make it back to that mountain village to find, assault and dump the body of a village girl before morning.

I guess what I am saying is open up the gates to the sexual predators division of Long Bay, Pentridge, or the State Penn, wherever you’re from. Let the perverts charge to the nearest bus terminal and rid your city of its transport woes. And as opposed to hidden transport tax hikes at least you’ll know when you’re being fucked.

And back here in Xela, as you gloss over the grisly road toll, remember you might be riding on a Rosa Parkes rebirth, so take the time to thank your driver, but stop yourself short at the second kiss on the cheek.