Some of you Xela lifers may remember a monthly feature we used to run called Caffeine Fiend (if not, click here). This feature disappeared after the recent change in editorship, due mostly to the fact that the new editor does not, well, drink much coffee. He does, however, have a comparable passion for all things alcoholic. In an effort to use this passion for good instead of evil, he promises to scour Xela bars - from the priciest gringo spots to the dirtiest cantinas - to bring you, our readers, the very best in liquid happiness that Xela has to offer. Bottoms Up!

MAY 2008

Xela ain’t Cancun, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to treat ourselves to a tasty margarita every once in a while. We hear they make great tequila chasers. Accordingly, we set out one breezy Saturday night to drink enough tequila to knock out a horse. We know. We brought our horse. Ten bars and one incredible hangover later, we give you the finest margaritas Xela has to offer.

1. Las Lagartijas – It was poker night at Las Lagartijas, so I ordered a drink to intimidate the other players. Once they saw me with a lightly salted lime green beverage in my hand, they knew I was not to be messed with. Tangy with a strong lime flavor, it was enjoyable if not particularly strong. I liked that it was shaken, not blended. Like pretty much everything at Lagartijas, it was, in a word, upscale.
2. Cactus – After gulping down a “chopper” of draught beer, I ordered a margarita and I was not disappointed. Instead of going with Jose Cuervo, they used aged Mexican tequila – and a healthy amount of it at that. The most traditional of the bunch, it was also the tastiest.
3. El Pasaje – In a fruity mood, I ordered a strawberry margarita to go with my tapas (try the moussaka). Both were delicious. I could taste the real fruit – a nice touch – instead of chopped up ice. The alcohol was clearly present but not overwhelming, enhancing the taste rather than detracting from it. After looking over their extensive cocktail menu, I’ll definitely be going back.
4. Casa Babylon – I came to Casa Babylon for their massive Australian burger (Fried egg and bacon? Yes, please), but stayed for their margaritas. Noticeably stronger than the rest, their margarita was the prettiest of the ones we sampled. Looks aside, a teaspoon of grenadine and a squeeze of honey sets this margarita apart from the others.

After a typical boozehound lunch consisting of ceviche or paches, there’s nothing better to cleanse my breath and my spirit like a nice minty mojito. With temperatures around Xela steadily creeping north of forty degrees these days, mojitos are a great option for the lazy, warm Sunday afternoons quickly approaching. A refreshing change of pace from cubas and beer, a mojito consists of rum, sugar, lime, water and mint. While originally a Cuban drink, mojitos are especially well-suited for Guatemala, a country where all of the ingredients can be easily and cheaply purchased. Because I love you all so dearly, I went on a mojito binge this month to bring you the best that Xela has to offer.

1. El Cuartito. The only place of the three to offer multiple flavors (regular and mango), El Cuartito has been wowing extranjeros with their mojitos before this boozehound was born. I prefer the regular myself and, when teamed with their hummus and excellent live music, it’s a tough combination to beat.

2. Las Lagartijas. Not to be outdone, Melvin and Francisca of Las Lagartijas blend their mojitos with ice and a heaping portion of mint to offer a unique spin on the refreshing summer drink. Now if I could only kick my addition to their almond-stuffed dates wrapped in bacon, which officially replace deep-fried plantains stuffed with cream and sugar as Xela’s must have decadent treat.

3. La Parranda. If you're in the mood to dance with mojito in hand, you could do worse than to head over to La Parranda, especially on a Wednesday night to partake in some free salsa lessons. The most traditional mojito of the three, it hit the spot after a few hours of pretending to know what I was doing.

If you’re no stranger to the beer scene around Xela, you may have noticed a conspicuous absence of variety and - okay I’ll say it - taste. When the choices run the gamut from “light” to “dark” to “mixed,” which is just light and dark mixed together, you know there’s a problem. Well not anymore. A beer-brained band of flavor fanatics are determined to replace Xela’s stale ale with their honey pale. The mysterious trio has been brewing beer in Xela since October and hope to soon increase their distribution and expand their business to include kegs. The supply is limited (you try getting 100 pounds of hops through customs), but if you’re lucky, you may be able to score some of the following flavors at Choritortas or El Cuartito.

1. Amarga. The best of the three, their bitter offers more strength and flavor than your typical pale ale. It lacks the complexity of its English brethren, but it’s a start and a good one at that.

2. Roja. Finally, a Guatemalan beer you can’t see through (not named Moza). It starts delightfully sour yet ends quite smoothly, a common thread among the three homebrews. Overall, a very enjoyable beer and welcome infusion of color into the dark and light world of Guatemalan beer.

3. Miel. A tad light for my tastes, this smooth pale ale reminds us of Brahva with a hint of honey, a not unwelcome combination. Brewed to appeal to local palates - which generally prefer lighter beers - using local ingredients - such as honey - it’s sure to be a hit.

As I mentioned last month, while a devout liquor aficionado, the boozehound is no snob. Sure, he drinks his fair share of aged single malts and snifters of brandy, but the old mutt isn’t afraid to wet his whistle at the local cantina. After all, writing articles for the XelaWho doesn’t exactly afford one a lavish lifestyle and the other option – sobriety – is simply out of the question. So stumble down to the cantina he does, and often, to take in the night-sustaining elixir. Call it what you want - aguardiente, chicha, guaro or cusha - a rose by any other name would still taste as alcoholic. On his most recent bender, the boozehound risked life and liver to review the two top brands to decide once and for all which is the baddest moonshine of all.

1. Quetzalteca. Affectionately known as “indita” to the locals, this fuerte firewater has caused many a late night and achy morning during my time in Guatemala. Of the three mixers I tried – Coke, Sprite and juice – it mixed best with juice, though the locals swear by Sprite with a lime when they’re not drinking it straight.

2. Venado. Smoother than Quetzalteca but more expensive, Venado straddles the fence between good moonshine and cheap rum. Like any rum, it did well with Coke, but experience tells me that it is best and most efficiently consumed in shot form.

and the winner is...Quetzalteca! Why? Much like illegal immigrants, Quetzalteca does the same job, but more quickly and for less money. That and I’m still bitter that Suchitepequez Venados eliminated my - nay our - ‘Chivos from the playoffs. Tune in next month for my review of the best beer Xela has to offer.

I’ll begin by coming clean that I do not particularly like sangria, a sweet punch made by diluting wine with fruit juice and soda and adding chopped fruit. Like momosas and appletinis, they generally taste good but rarely offer that special something to sustain me during a long night of salsa dancing, lame pickup lines and public urination. Throughout my college years, I searched far and wide for a way to make sangria – a fancy (read: not beer or shots) drink sure to entice the ladies – more alcoholic, because let’s face it, for a punch, it doesn’t pack much of a punch. Until now. Melvin and Francisca of Las Lagartijas have put together a great tasting sangria without fruit juice or soda (completely unnecessary given their limited alcohol content). In their stead, they add Ron Botran, Ron Botran Añejo and vodka in addition to a copious amount of fruit to soak it all up. I also detected a hint of cinnamon. Aged three days to allow for proper mixing and fermentation, we’re left with a smooth and tasty finish. Finally, a sangria to knock this boozehound on his tail.