Raise your spotted arms in the air; bed bugs are your link to the past. Cimex lectularius, has been around human sleeping areas for centuries and they’re still sucking strong.

But chill out, the bites don’t transmit diseases, they just cause unrestful sleep and goddamn itchy skin. XelaWho holds the secrets to your death deseos.

Signs of bed bugs are: papery particles between your sheets (these are shedded skins from maturing baby bugs), reddish rust colored stains on your sheets or mattress (this is your blood processed and pooped out), and an offensive odor.

The most important element of infestation cessation is the mattress, that’s where all the magic happens. The tried and true approach is to lay the mattress under the hot sun. While the bastards bake, beat repeatedly with a large stick.

Buy a bottle of liquid death, se llama OKO (Dispensa Familiar). Lightly spray the mattress and box spring in the sun, focussing on seams and cracks. Save the rest of the bottle for your room, after it’s cleared out, again focusing on nooks and crannies.

Wash all clothes and linens. Fabric is not only the favourite hiding place, it’s also the preferred spot for laying eggs which are virtually invisible and encased in a gluey substance smeared all over your sweater. Healthy females lay 3-5 eggs a day, up to 500 in a lifetime.

Seal your newly made murder room off for a night. Suck it up and sleep somewhere else for a second night to let it air out (great time to get to know your hot homestay sister).

Once your sanctuary has achieved sterile status, its time to fortify. Bed bugs spread to other rooms and are willing to make the full moon hike for your life force. They don’t have wings and need texture to crawl up to your bed. Position your bed away from all walls and either suspend all legs in glass jars of soapy water or lay down fly tape around the circumferences. Fly tape works well for all other points of entry to your room, doorways, window sills, etc.

When you get home, wash everything. Adult bed bugs can live for over a year without a meal and have a taste for travel. DDT and hygiene wiped most of them out of the developed world over half a century ago, but rises in world tourism and changes to more environmentally friendly pest control have led to a worldwide resurgence that some are calling a pandemic.

Sleep tight.